Tuesday, December 12, 2006

This is my story. It is rambling, sometimes crude, always poorly written. But it is mine.

My wife had an affair. I found out almost 5 years ago. With God's help, we made it.

I started writing all this down to help me work some things out. I hope others can benefit from it. This is particularly for the people who are wondering if it is possible to heal a marriage rocked by an affair. Anything is possible for God.

If you want the story, the posts are listed below in order.

I must warn you now: In going back through the story and my feelings, I tend to be fairly blunt in my writings. Sometimes the hurt and anger comes through. I use adult language and images to discuss a very adult situation. But while I was able to tap into the anger I felt at various times in the story, you should always remember that my wife is a brave woman. She is good. She is pure. She made a mistake, but the woman that I will kiss goodnight this evening is not the same person that she was in the times discussed in this blog.:

First post
Chapter 1 - D-day
Chapter 2 - D-day part 2
Intermission - How things are now
Chapter 3 - D-day part 3
Chapter 4 - Sunday, D-day +1
Chapter 5 - Q&A - Learning the details
Chapter 6
Chapter 7 - her job
Chapter 8 - talking to the other guy
Chapter 9 - Rings and things
Chapter 10 - How things change
Chapter 11 - Sex - The Ups and Downs
Chapter 12 - The Revenge Affair
My email address
Chapter 13 - The residue
Chapter 14 - False memories
Chapter 15 - Spiritual Roller Coaster
Chapter 16- Rediculous things I have done
Chapter 17 - 4 years and counting
Intermission / Feedback and comments
Chapter 18 - Passing it On
Chapter 19 - You can't fix each other
Chapter 20 -- Commitment and Withdrawal
Chapter 21 -- Permanent (?) rewiring
A clarification
Why Bother?
Chapter 22 -- Who cares what people think?
Chapter 23 - Pop-up Ads -- Dealing with unwanted thoughts


At 10:40 PM , Anonymous gary h said...

thanks for all the soul baring, it has been a little over 3 years for myself and my wife since she had her affairs and it still is hard.
we are together, been working and and going through counseling (just started up again with our pastor).
i am encouraged some days, still bitter others, still trying to get through the stuff other days.

At 2:02 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so happy to find someone that has reached the light at the end of the tunnel.
I found out that my husband cheated on me 2 weeks ago. I love him with all my heart and can't imagine not waking up with him by my side. I am trying my best to be positive. Your story really helped me, knowing that others have made it through this pain is really encouraging.

At 10:20 PM , Blogger irish bastard/kings daughter said...

I am very thankful to find this blog. I see that its probably a finished blog since no new posts have been posted in about a year. I have been reading through some of the posts and want to thank you. You are someone who has gone before me in all this. Although it was my husband that had the affairs. I also blog trying to sort my feelings, and hoping at the same time it may help someone in the future that has to deal with the heartache of adultery. Well anyhow even though I doubt you will read this, thank you so very much. I plan on linking to this blog on my next post. I wish I had found this site when my d-day had come, then maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone.

At 2:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you. I found out my wife was having an affair six weeks ago. I can't tell you how helpful this blog has been. The days are getting better, but I am still angry at her selfishness and weakness. It is hard to understand why someone would do this when you look at it from the perspective of a faithful spouse. I pray it will get easier and I will be able to forgive.

At 9:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too have read your entire blog and am very happy that you have found solace and have reached a point of acceptance.

For others though, I feel this is too much to bear. I am of the latter crowd. I am like you in so many ways, and I think it was my passiveness that allowed my wife to stray. I let her do what she wanted, with whoever she wanted, whenever she wanted. This is in a large part to my occupation that keeps me away for days at a time. I allowed this freedom, because (A) I'm not a jealous controlling husband, and (B) Marriage is trust, trust in your spouse.

I do not want to be a parole officer, constantly monitoring "her" behavior and interactions. This is not a marriage to me, marriage is pure trust. Once trust is destroyed, so too is the marriage.

Good luck to you and your life together with your wife,I'm very happy that you have made it work for you. For me I would rather never love again, than to be so horribly hurt by the deception an affair causes. I still love my wife and she knows this, but I've also had love for others in my past. Time has erased the love that I've felt for others, and in time, my wife will also be the past.

I'm so sorry anyone is reading this blog, but Thanks for writing it.

At 6:27 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thankyou so much for sharing this. It is very much appreciated and gives me hope that life may one day continue as normal, and the crap that led me to this site will eventually just become a pop up ad that we can both close without a backwards glance.

At 6:42 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband had an affair with a coworkers a year ago. This has been so terribly difficult. I had no idea I found it on his phone. I'm trying to forgive but I can't stop seeing the two of them together in my mind. I pray for strength from god. I still love him very much. I hope there's hope for us too! Godbless. Thank u from sunflower princess .

At 1:48 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for starting this blog. I found out 2 months ago that my husband was unfaithful. We are working on saving our marriage so it is nice to know that it can be done.

At 3:57 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sound an amazing lovely man and I wish you happiness and thank you for sharing your story. I just posted a comment about what I am presently going thru not sure if it got to you but I'm afraid I am the one at fault in my case but I feel very low and unhappy too.

At 12:06 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am the one who had the affair and I want to know what I can do to show my husband I was wrong and I want to save our marriage. Was there something specific your wife did? I have poured my soul to my husband and I am in counseling and I am reading on forgiveness and praying. He said reconciliation is not totally off the table, but he is still distant and we have a 3yr old and we are currently separated. Your story is inspiring...but I am not sure he wants to save our marriage.

At 9:18 PM , Blogger Liz said...

BS. Anyone who has a affair is purely selfish. They are doing it to help themselves. Why do this to yourself, put yourself through pain and agony trying tot repair it. There is NO excuse. A truly confident and happy person would not have an affair. It starts from within. You are only fooling yourself by taking a cheater back. It's a fares, once a cheater, always a cheater.

At 12:42 PM , Blogger Author said...


I don't blame you for feeling that way, but I don't agree. There are some cheaters who never change, who don't want to be anything other than what they are. But a lot of us believe that some spouses who cheat can change. A lot of us believe that no matter what you have done, if you repent and allow God to work in you, He can change a heart.

At 4:23 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

5 months ago I discovered my wife of 11 years was having an affair but to a lesser extent than it actually was. 3 months later I discovered that it was far more involved than she led me to believe and that it had continued after confronting her the first time, despite her assurances that it would end immediately.

As you can imagine I was completely crushed by this and I came very close to leaving her. I now believe that she has divulged every detail that I have asked of her, and as hard as it was to hear it, I felt that this helped in some respects but has also been a hindrance in others in our attempts to reconcile. I still have yet to be given a reason for it and I'm not sure that I ever will. We have two young children and we have both resolved to stay committed to getting through this.

It has been hard and I know it's going to be a long road ahead of us but I do take great hope and comfort in the fact that it is possible by your own admission. Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts with us, so many of which I could easily substitute as my own due to the similarities in feelings.

I hope that this opportunity for us to restart will result in a stronger relationship that will stand the test of time and the many more challenges that life will throw at us in the years ahead.


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