Monday, August 07, 2006

Chapter 21 -- Permanent (?) rewiring

There is little more to be said about all this, but something recently struck me as curious. I've had occasions in recent weeks to see my wife interact with male friends. There was nothing inappropriate about the way she did so, but that did not stop this jealous beast from rising up inside of me.

Why? It's been so many years since the affair now that I have to stop and think about how long we have been dealing with this. An innocent conversation between my wife and another man did not bother me once upon a time. Now it does -- immensely. I wonder if the affair was such a dramatic event that while the pain has subsided, I have forgiven her, and we have healed in many ways, there are some areas of my hardwiring that are forever changed.

I may have already said this, but it is my theory that you never completely heal from something like this (just like you never completely heal from a death in the family.) You grow; you deal with the pain; things get better; but you never get to the same point you would be if the event never happened.

I dunno. But I do think that parts of my brain do not work the same way that they did before the affair. Some of the changes are good. Some are not. I don't want to go through life being jealous and paranoid without cause, and it seems much more difficult now to keep a check on those emotions than it did before. Whether it is permanent or will continue to ebb over time remains to be seen.


At 10:02 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you never get to the same point that you would be had the event never happened....why would you bother?

At 9:17 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow....what a story. I just read it all in one sitting because I am going through the same very thing myself as I type. 85 days after D-day and things reconciliation is moving on as planned. It helps to know someone else had the fortitude to stick it out....Thanks for posting.

At 7:55 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

May 3, 2006 7:34pm DDay...its been over six years since my wife confessed she had affair for two years. Pastors wife and other christian women friends pressured wife to confess. Your story is similar except didnt go as far as the nipple ring!!

As a Christian, i asked Gods help everyday to manage emotions and triggers. We have known each other 23 years and have much history, but this changed our lives forever.....currently we are miles apart in our relationship and seem to be only managing. With two children, my focus has been to bring stability to our house, but it is difficult when I am looked at as a provider only by her and not much ships passing in the night.

I appreciate your blog and someone who is private, we also kept this low key......At this moment in time, I dont know where the future will lead, so I walk only in the moment and ask everyday for Gods grace and love.

Thank you for your post.

At 5:47 PM , Blogger Chuchu said...

Unfortunately for me, my husband ended up having a child with the four month relationship he had with the other women. I found this out five years later 2months after we had out first child. Apparently the other women was still waiting for my husband to leave me and go to her. She was devistated when she found out that I had a baby and she sent me a message via Facebook . Only 8 days earlier my husband had confessed to it. He is a very good human being, good father and very very remorseful.
He straggle very much with what happend and if he could make go away he would. I have forgave him, although I do stll(3years after finding out) have triggers. My question is how do we go about dealing with his child. He feels very bad about not being in the child's earlier life. The kid was overseas till age of 6. He is trying to get know him over the phone. He had promised we meet him as a family if she ever send him or bring him to the state that we are, but when the day came he only went with his parent(my in laws) ... Now he calls his child, and he is too friendlier with child 's mother so she can facilitate the relationship smoothly.... He doesn't feel comfortable doing this in front of me, because he is afraid I will start to get upset all over again. I don't know what to do. I 100% believe he has no interest in her but only the child. But at the same time I don't think he is entitled private time with her...,we made it 3 years after d day but now o don't know if we can survive this. We have been together 15years a

At 10:26 AM , Blogger Author said...

I'm so sorry. I have no advice at all on what to do when there is a child in the picture. Readers, do any of you have advice for this woman?

God bless all of you involved in this situation.


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