Chapter 12 - The Revenge Affair
No, I didn't have one. But I thought about it. A lot.
This was very early on. The whole thing made me so sick, I started thinking that the only way to get past it was for her to feel what I felt, for her to see how terrible it is to go through. She deserves it, I told myself. I deserve it, I told myself.
I never took one single step in that direction. But if I had known a woman who would have been a likely affair partner, it would have been too, too easy to slip down that slide.
I think this is pretty common. Not just the abstract desire to get even, but the specific desire to get even by having your own affair after your spouse does. I don't think I was ever really serious about it, it was just a revenge fantasy. A very unhealthy one.
I have a pretty good idea what would have happened if I had cheated. I would have gotten caught, because I'm careless and a terrible liar. And we would have gotten divorced. Not that she's less forgiving than I am, but because we already had enough stress to be going on with.
Eventually I realized how rediculous the idea was. I didn't want to be a cheater. I didn't want to get divorced. And I know it isn't noble, but I didn't want to give up the advantage I had by being the "victim."
Whatever the reason I didn't act on it, thank God I didn't. Now, I could not bear the thought of hurting my wife in that way.
I've redoubled my efforts to be faithful. If a woman is walking in front of me, I look at the ground. When I travel, I do not travel with a woman. I don't talk to women about their relationships or mine.
Nine commandments are fair game for me. I don't make a habit of killing or stealing, but I do not deny that I have enough evil in me that under the right circumstances, I could do it. But cheating? That one's off the table.
So if anyone is out there, and if you're thinking about a revenge affair, for God's sake don't do it. You're better than that. Chances are, your spouse had no idea the hell it would put you through. Now, you know exactly the hell it would put your spouse through, and you could say that would make you more guilty than they were. Don't do it.