Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Chapter 3 - D-day part 3

This is all such a blur - and that's a good thing.

That afternoon, we went together to a book store and bought copies of Torn Assunder, a book our counselor had mentioned on the phone that morning. It was all so up and down that day. On that trip, I was full of optimism. I was relieved to know what was going on. I was hurt and devastated too, and still in shock. I felt every emotion you can feel.

As soon as we got home, I was furious. I was so mad at her I could hardly speak. She asked if she should leave me alone for a while and I remember telling her, "I'm so angry about all this we probably shouldn't be together for a little while, but I don't know what I want. I don't want to look at you and I don't want you out of my sight either." We actually laughed.

She went over to a friend's house who had really been encouraging to my wife when she was thinking of leaving the marriage. By that I mean this friend encouraged my wife to stick it out. My wife did not confide in this friend about the affair, I trusted the friend and her husband to give Godly counsel and my trust was well placed. (The irony? This friend just filed for divorce and is having an affair. Just goes to show . . . )

She came back, I moved into a spare room in the basement, and went to sleep.

That day was awful, just terrible. But the funny thing is, it was better than not knowing. I knew things were wrong and couldn't figure it out. No matter what I did in the year before D-day, I couldn't get through to her. Nothing made sense. But from the moment I knew, yeah it sucked, but at least I knew, and that was better.

I had a gut impulse to tell everyone I knew. I thought that shame might keep her from renewing the relationship, if it was really over, or ending it once and for all it was not. I don't know if this is the right answer for anyone else, but I'm so glad I didn't. I confided in a family member -- just one -- my counselor and my pastor. This was really God working in me, my desire to talk was so great. But, it would have been so much harder if we had been in the spotlight.

And that's just one of the ways God was working in the situation. If I had discovered the affair a few months earlier, I don't think I would have been strong enough to attempt reconciliation. I even had a counseling session scheduled for first thing Monday morning (D day was a Saturday), so we wouldn't have to wait long to get help. He was so, so good to us.

So as of the end of D-day, I knew and she knew that I knew. She had told the other guy that she wasn't going to see him any more, but I did not know if she meant it. We had bought Torn Assunder to start working through stuff, so I thought the chances of it being real were much greater than not.

Thus marked the beginning of a roller coaster ride from hell that I wouldn't wish on anybody, but -- given the choices that we had -- I thank God that he worked a miracle in our marriage and that we did not take the easy road and simply walk away.


At 12:30 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I learned my wife was having an affair on April 21, 2014. I felt, and still feel in moments, that my world was turned upside down. I never saw it coming. This post touches so many of the feelings and thoughts that I have had, and am having. I am glad to have finally found a place that resonates with where I am. We too have made the choice to work things out. It is a hard road. Not for the faint of heart. Thank you.

At 3:18 PM , Blogger Author said...

You're right: reconciliation isn't for cowards. I make no judgment on how anyone chooses to deal with such awful betrayal, but personally, I think choosing to forgive is just as hard, or even harder, than learning of the treachery to begin with.


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