tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174036832024-02-20T03:35:28.270-05:00We survived an affairSurvive an affair; survive infidelity; Surviving an affair; surviving infidelity; cheating spouse; adultery;Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-32276514182262605132014-06-23T11:37:00.001-04:002014-06-23T11:37:12.040-04:00UpdateSomeone asked for an update. There really isn't one. We are still together. We do great some days, and some days we don't. Some days -- the good ones -- I'm so glad I made the decision to stay in the marriage. Some days I think it was a mistake.<br />
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That's after 12 years. Someone posted a comment recently that 5 months after learning about the affair, he had days when he thought he should give up. Which seems very normal to me after only 5 months. Is it normal to still have days like that after 12 years? Yes, I think so. The difference, though, is how frequently those days come, and how intense the feeling is.<br />
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The bad days are <u>much</u> more rare now, and the feeling much less intense. Now when I feel like giving up, I recognize the leftover scars for what they are and remind myself of my commitments. I remind myself that I blame things on the affair that really aren't the affair's fault. Because heck, even couples who haven't dealt with infidelity have problems and feel like giving up sometimes. Even when no one has cheated, people think they made a mistake when they married his or her spouse.<br />
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The truth of the matter is, some things would have been easier, and still would be, if I had divorced my wife. Some things would be a whole lot worse, but not everything. <br />
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Anyway, comments sometimes get lost in the shuffle, so I'm going to repeat here what I said to the guy who was having bad days after 5 months:<br />
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To the guy 5 months in:<br />
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I hear you. You want to know when you will stop having days when you feel like giving up? I'm 12 years in. I'll let you know when I stop having days like that.<br />
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I don't say that to depress you or to make you want to give up. It is just realistic (at least for me personally).<br />
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To this day, things come up that remind me of my wife's affair. Every time I become angry with her (like happens with any couple ever, whether there has been an affair or not), I'm tempted to blame things on the affair.<br />
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If you stick with it, and if you are BOTH committed to making things work, those days will become more rare. In my humble opinion, I don't thing those days ever go away completely.<br />
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That's why I'm not crazy about the language some people use about becoming "healed" from the affair. I don't think you heal from something like this, in the sense of getting back to the way you were before. It changes you. Some of it is for the better, some isn't.<br />
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Imagine that someone negligently causes an accident, and as a result you lose a leg. You can forgive that person, but the leg is still gone. Sometimes you will wish you could run again. You're body will heal, in the sense that the wound closes, but your leg is still gone. You can still have a great life full of promise and achieve many of your dreams, but your leg is still gone. <br />
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And it always will be.<br />
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So for me -- and everything on this blog is describing my own personal experience, not to tell other people what they should do -- I decided that having days when I felt like giving up wouldn't make me give up. Just because I have days like that does not mean that I made a mistake. And even if I DID make a mistake, it is made. I promised to stick around and do my best to make things work, and that is a promise I am going to keep unless she gives me Biblical grounds for divorce, such as another affair. It is a vow I take as sacred as my original marriage vows.<br />
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One day at a time, friend. Your difficulty of dealing with it personally will diminish. Time will tell if you have a partner in recovery or not. If you do -- if you are both determined to save the marriage -- <br />
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God will give you the strength to do so.<br />
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But it won't always be easy, and your leg is still gone.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-9353010396652609512014-06-11T00:01:00.001-04:002014-06-11T00:01:05.749-04:00And there are still days ...... when I want to give up.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-33537445459309422952012-12-28T14:31:00.000-05:002012-12-28T14:31:19.134-05:00Holiday blessings to you allEvery year it is the same. Occasionally I review reports of how many visitors I have to the blog. The number is generally steady. I do not update frequently -- hardly at all, in fact -- because the meat of this blog is about what happens in the 2-3 years after a person finds out that his or her spouse had an affair. Although the story is never "over" for a betrayed spouse, if you have made it that far, you pretty much know whether the affair is going to end the marriage and whether it is going to make you a paranoid bitter person (that is not a judgment, by the way -- "there but for the grace of God," and all.)<br />
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So, because this blog is essentially static, the number of visitors and comments remain steady, generally consisting of the new people who, every day, learn that their world has been turned upside down, that reality itself has shifted, and that the things they firmly believed to be true simply aren't.<br />
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Except at Christmas. Every single year, there is a huge spike of visitors around the holidays. I don't think more people cheat around Christmas, but it does seem that more people <em>find out</em> around Christmas. <br />
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I don't know why. Maybe that's when we can tell that something is off, that someone isn't fully with us at a family gathering. Maybe that's when we notice excessive texting, or unexplained absences, or a look off into the distance during sex. I just don't know.<br />
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Whatever the reason, for all of you who are new to the blog, let me say that I am so sorry. I was in your shoes, and lots and lots of other people were too. We know how much it hurts, and we're sorry that it's your turn. Please know that it <em>will</em> get better. You may not be perfect, but it wasn't your fault. <br />
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You <em>can</em> know love again. Maybe it will be with the person who is hurting you now, or maybe not, but the day can come when you can love, and trust, and be loved again.<br />
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My personal belief is that this comes from God. Eventually you can forgive -- which is something you do for <em>you</em>, not for him or her -- and then there is a new day.<br />
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For now, though, I know that seems like a fairy tale. It did to me too. We understand. Please, <em>please</em>, just know that when it feels like life is over, it isn't, and thousands of us stand by you as witnesses of the fact that morning will come.<br />
Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-27464522642928460972012-09-11T12:24:00.002-04:002012-09-11T12:24:25.168-04:00Still Here . . . I'm continually amazed at the number of people who stumble across this blog, although I have not updated it in a long time. You should see the stats. Most hits come in the wee hours of the morning as some heart-broken person who just discovered his wife, or her husband, had an affair, and they are looking for something -- anything -- to help them understand what they are feeling. They want to know they are not alone.<br />
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They are not alone. You are not alone. No, I don't update, because I really have no more to say. But I do try to keep up with comments, and I sporadically check the email address associated with this blog.<br />
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So if you are staring at your laptop at 3:00 a.m., unable to sleep because you're hurting more than you have ever hurt in your life, wondering how you are ever going to make it through work tomorrow, much less the the next year . . . That was me once. It was about 12 years ago I think. I don't even remember anymore.<br />
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But it does get better. And you are not alone.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-22041832305642158782011-04-20T16:56:00.001-04:002011-04-20T16:58:13.771-04:00It has been nearly 10 years now since I discovered my wife's affair, which she ended immediately. I've tried to be an ambassador for hope and what God can do in the direst of circumstances. I remain glad that we decided not to divorce after the affair, and that God helped us follow through on that commitment.<br /><br />Honestly, though, sometimes I think it would have been easier if we had not stayed together. Not better, mind you, but easier. The affair still rears its ugly head on occasion. I still, after this much time, bear the scars. I have friends who split up after an affair and moved on to new marriages. I'm not saying that the affairs were not tough on them, but I have a feeling that it may be easier for those guys to put it behind them, as much as is possible. When both parties choose to salvage the marriage, the affair just doesn't go away. Something triggers a memory. A minor slight has greater significance. No matter how much time has passed, you know she has done it once and could do it again. Of course, anyone is capable of cheating, but going through it once provides irrefutable proof.<br /><br />I don't know -- recent spats that ought to be forgotten as quickly as they come up seem to have bothered me more than they should. I still struggle with insecurity, with trust, with daily forgiveness. At the moment, I am a little depressed that a ten-year-old affair is still such a part of our lives. It is only a small fraction of what it once was, but still there nonetheless.<br /><br />I just have to remind myself that I made a commitment -- not only when we first married, but again when we decided to stick together after the affair. It was the right decision for us, and I'm glad we made it. Of course it's hard -- marriage is hard, period, even without contending with an affair. If I thought that surviving an affair would bring us so close that we would never have problems, that I could develop selective amnesia, that she would be so greatful for my forgiveness that she would never disrespect me, or that all our problems (including those unrelated to the affair) would suddenly be over . . . well, that was rather deluded of me.<br /><br />You go to school when your partner has an affair. You learn a lot, but you never, ever graduate.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-67166259977440688862010-03-03T12:56:00.003-05:002010-03-03T13:02:27.737-05:00UpdateWow. It's been almost 3 years since I blogged, 8 years since the affair. <br /><br />Every once in a while, a link gets passed along, and lots of new folks read the blog. It breaks my heart to think of all the people learning every day that their world has been turned upside down by infidelity.<br /><br />I'm just checking back in to say, all is well. We have problems, but they are the same problems everyone has. I still have an occasional nightmare, and maybe I will until I die. I still cringe when I see a movie or hear a song that centers around a cheating spouse. I would not say it is over, because I don't think things like this are ever completely over, but now we are only dealing with scar tissue and not open wounds. <br /><br />Good luck to you all, and God bless.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-57365617454522051502007-07-07T17:55:00.000-04:002007-07-24T17:14:55.592-04:00Chapter 23 - Pop-up AdsHere we are, nearly 6 years into recovery. It is rare that I think about the affair. Somethimes, though, something happens or comes up and it is a real struggle to take control of my thoughts, even this far into the battle.<br /><br />Sometimes it is good to think about the affair. Say you find yourself in a situation where a person of the opposite sex is flirting with you, and you are married and have survived an affair. That would be a very good time to remember the affair as a reminder that no good, and a lot of pain, can result from a bad decision.<br /><br />Or, like something we are going through right now, when you have friends who are going through marriage problems and you can see the train wreck coming. Someone says they just aren't happy with their spouse, he/she loves her/him but is not "in love" anymore (what the heck does that mean, anyway?), and so forth. That's a good time to think about the affair, because our experience can help someone. We can tell them that we've been there; they aren't alone; they are in a very dangerous spot and need to pay attention to the warning signs; but that with hard work, counseling, and faith, they can get back on track.<br /><br />But most of the time, it just isn't helpful to think about the affair. It robs you of your joy and keeps you from seeing the good things about your wife, your marriage, your life.<br /><br />When those thoughts come up, I call them "pop-up ads." Those blasted ads come up all the time on my computer. Buy this; get a loan; find your classmates. Is anything more annoying? When those pop-up adds come up, I immediately close them. <em>Click</em> - no thank you. <em>Click</em> - no thank you. <em>Click</em> - no thank you.<br /><br />I do the same thing when thoughts of the affair come up. "She's going back to work -- she'll cheat again." <em>Click</em> - no thank you. I don't need that. "Your bad day at work happened because you aren't good enough - you're worthless and that's why she cheated." <em>Click</em> - no thank you.<br /><br />You get the picture. With unwanted thoughts, like unwanted ads, it takes an act of the will to say, "That's not true - I don't need that thought and I'm not going to feed it or let it in." It is so much easier now than it was at first, and to this day some unwanted thoughts are stubborn and persistent.<br /><br />I had what you might call a setback this week. My wife is late, as in she might be pregnant. We've sort of let nature take its course, not really trying to get pregnant and not really trying <em>not</em> to get pregnant. We have one child, and my wife's post-partem depression after his birth was a key event that led up to our marriage problems and the affair (that wasn't the only reason, mind you, and I contributed mightily to the marriage problems that made it too easy for one of us to decide to have an affair).<br /><br />When she told me that she was late, I felt panicky inside. It was a "here we go again" feeling, and I'm having trouble shaking it. It may be more accurate to say that I became <em>aware</em> of my feelings, but they've actually been lingering for a while. They were lingering to the point, I realize now, that I was probably avoiding sex -- not completely, obviously, but I think part of me has been pulling away because (1) no sex means no pregnancy, and in my unacknowledged, flawed logic, no pregnancy meant no affair; and (2) if you put walls around your heart, you don't get hurt.<br /><br />Once I became aware of these feelings, I could begin knocking them down. I knock them down by reminding myself of the truth: We want another baby. If she gets pregnant again, that does not mean she will have an affair. We're stronger now, and history is not going to repeat itself. And avoiding intimacy, and putting up the walls, is not the way to avoid pain. It causes its own kind of pain and cheats you of the joy of a good relationship. I repeat these truths to myself, sometimes even writing them down, and fight my bad logic with good logic. Fight lies with truth. <em>Click</em>, no thank you.<br /><br />I'll keep at it for a while, making these unwanted thoughts a matter of prayer. If the pop-up ads just won't go away, I'll make an appointment with our counselor (the equivalent of running a virus scan?).<br /><br />The point is this: Even after a long time, and even when things are going really well, I still have to be vigilant against hurt, anger, and resentment. I have to remind myself occasionally that I have forgiven my wife, and certain thoughts are no longer welcome. Over time, I have learned to deal with these in what I think is a healthy way, but it is a skill that I had to develop. You can control your thoughts and you can choose not to be weighed down by the past.<br /><br />Soon it will be time to take a pregnancy test. Those pop-ups may come up again, but I choose not to let the distant past rob me of happiness today. Maybe, just maybe, we are about to enter another great chapter of our lives, and I absolutely refuse to miss it.<br /><br />EDIT: Nope, not pregnant. Maybe next time.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-2107352135161320642007-06-19T11:12:00.000-04:002007-07-24T17:16:20.475-04:00Ch. 22 -- Who cares what people think?I’m still surprised every time someone asks me for advice. I’m the last person who should give advice. All I’m really qualified to do is to tell my story, and people should go to counselors for advice. Still, some of the exchanges I have had may interest others.<br /><br />Here is an interesting exchange from a person whose feelings really resonated with me. She decided to try to reconcile after her husband had an affair, and now she is concerned about what other people will think about her decision:<br /><br />--------------------------------<br /><span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="color:#3366ff;">“I am a betrayed wife. My husband had an affair with a woman and decided to leave me for her. I fought. After a lot of back and forth, leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back, etc. I'll spare you all the details, but it has been horrible. Also, there were others before this one, although not “meaningful” to the extent this one was. We too had our problems before the affairs began, but I thought they were worked out and we were happy. He seemed absolutely thrilled and in love with me right up until he told me he wanted a divorce. Anyway, through it all, I confided in a couple of friends at work for support. They knew the gory details (I wouldn't do it again if I could go back) and they shared some of this with others at work. Now, I have lost one friend and seemingly everyone's respect by my choice to work on my marriage and save it. I loved my job before this and have the opportunity to move into a leadership position there in the next month. I fear I won't get the job or if I do, no one will respond to me as a leader. Do you have any advice<br />for me?”</span></span></span><br /><span style="color:#000000;">---------------------------</span><br /><br />I responded as follows:<br /><br /><br /><p><span style="color:#3333ff;"><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></span></p><p><span style="color:#3333ff;">-------------------------------</span></p><span style="color:#3333ff;"><span style="color:#3333ff;">“Hi ___________,<br /><br />Don't you sometimes feel wishy-washy about the decision to work on the marriage? Coming at it as a man, there were times earlier in recovery when I felt like an absolute weakling to have even entertained the idea of forgiving my wife. A real man, I thought, would have thrown her clothes out on the driveway.<br /><br />But I know that isn't true. The easiest path by far would have been to walk away. What I did -- and what you did -- took tremendous courage. We gave our marriages a chance and proved that we were willing to work for what we wanted. I had a willing partner, and that made all the difference, but you are no less courageous because of a different outcome (I have no criticism for a betrayed spouse who decides to part ways with a cheating spouse – that is their right – my whole point in this blog though is to tell people that it is possible for a marriage to recover and that it is an option they should weigh carefully, as you did).<br /><br />I don't know what to tell you about work, I really don't. In fact, I am not qualified to offer advice, and you should speak to a counselor about your questions. But I think that if a person thinks less of you because of how you responded when your spouse had an affair, tell them to jump in a lake. Nobody knows how they would react to infedility until they are faced with it. </span></span><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;"><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span></span><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;"><span style="color:#3333ff;">If I was in charge of making the appointment and if I knew about your situation, I would count your experiences as a positive. You have demonstrated that you don't crumble in the face of a challenge, but instead are decisive, willing to do what is right whether or not it is popular, and can follow through.<br /><br />No one much knew about our affair, but the lesson I learned is that even those people spent a lot less time thinking about me than I thought. Maybe that is true with your co-workers too. After an affair, you feel like the whole world is out to get you and that the rejection spreads far beyond your marriage. Some of the perceptions that you fear may not be as widespread as it seems. You may get into the new leadership position and learn that it is not an issue at all.<br /><br />Whatever you decide, good luck!”</span><br /></span><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span>---------------------------------<br /><br /><br />Bottom line? Who gives a shit what people think. What is the right thing to do? I know every situation is different, but with all the affairs that are happening at this very moment, many are in marriages where there is a good foundation on which to build a recovery, and where the cheating spouse will repent and want to work with the betrayed spouse. If you are fortunate enough to have those circumstances and you decide to try to reconcile, I think that is just about the bravest thing you could do. I know deep down that it is the “manliest” decision I ever made. That said, I get it – I understand why someone might be afraid that people will think they are a wuss for taking the so-and-so back. I’ve felt that way too, but every single time those thoughts have crept in, I have remembered that (1) it doesn’t matter what they think, and (2) I am not, in any way, a “wuss” for loving a lovable woman who was willing to do what it took to recover. She was pretty darn brave herself.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-17683981251142523242007-01-13T10:43:00.000-05:002007-07-24T17:18:25.299-04:00Why Bother?Earlier I wrote that in my opinion, a person never completely recovers from an affair. In the same way, I think that a person never completely recovers from a death in the family or a divorce. You can heal and grow, and maybe even become stronger; the pain will subside and the event no longer defines you as a person and is not something that you continuously dwell upon; however, you never completely recover: A part of you is always different and the scars remain.<br /><br />Someone commented, “If you never get to the same point that you would be had the event never happened....why would you bother?”<br /><br />That’s a great question that I had to think about it for a while. Here is what I think:<br /><br />1. Just because you may never get back to square one does not mean that your efforts to recover from an affair are fruitless. Whether or not your marriage survives, you as a person can grow well beyond the brokenness you feel when you first learn of the affair. The despair, the depression, the paranoia, all get better.<br /><br />2. Maybe you can be, in some ways, even better than you were before. It is amazing how a trauma can make you a stronger person than you were before. You have scars, yes, but you can learn valuable life lessons if you choose to do so. I’m a better, stronger person because of what I have been through. That does not mean that I would choose to do it all again, but I can look back and see good that has come out of our situation.<br /><br />3. What is the alternative? Spending the rest of your life in a fetal position? Always being a victim? I am not a leaf blown in the wind with no control over my life. Events will happen that I cannot change, but I can choose how to respond. The next time something bad happens to me (and there <em>will</em> be a "next time") I will give myself time to hurt and grieve. But then I will come to accept those circumstances and with God, I will get back up and move forward. If it is something someone has done to me, I will forgive. If it is something that is no person’s fault, just one of those times that life craps on you, I will not become bitter.<br /><br />I don’t know if this will make any sense, but I will give it a shot. I would give anything for the affair to have never happened, but I would not trade the lessons I have learned from the experience for anything in the world.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1168354772369271172007-01-09T09:46:00.000-05:002007-07-24T17:20:07.169-04:00A clarificationI don't want to confuse anyone, for heaven's sake. A couple of people have mentioned "anger" and "disrespect" in my early posts directed toward my wife and the other man. It concerned them because, if I still feel such anger and disrespect after 5 years, then our marriage hasn't really recovered very much, has it?<br /><br />When I sat down to write, particularly when I was writing about the initial year or so after discovery, I took a journey in time and some of those early feelings cropped up. When you first find out, of course you are angry. Of course you use heated language. Of course you lash out. That came through in my writing not because I live with those emotions any more, but rather I was simply recording, for my own benefit (and later, I hope, for others' benefit), my journey from A to B. I went back to A so I could better appreciate B.<br /><br />I'm not angry with my wife about the affair. I was -- very, <em>very</em> angry, and rightfully so -- but I am not anymore. I forgave her and no longer hold it over her head. She owes me nothing. As for the other guy, he is not in our life and is not on our mind. I have forgiven him, too (I did not tell him so, but forgave him all the same), and he owes me nothing.<br /><br />So please do not think I am angry or disrespectful to my wife. She made a mistake. A big one, yes, but it is history. I love her so much and I don't think of her as a cheater or an adultress. I can look back at the way she responded to this ordeal and see many admirable qualities. It takes guts to say, "I was wrong, and I'm going to change." She is a loving and courageous person with whom it will be my honor to spend the rest of my life.<br /><br />In the immediate aftermath, I did not feel that way. Duh. And that comes through in the posts. Just remember, please, as you go with me back to A, that we are now happily at B. And if you are stuck in A, let us be proof to you that if you are both committed and if you trust God to breathe life into your marriage, you can get to B too.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1165955185205375102006-12-12T15:11:00.000-05:002007-07-07T18:47:24.209-04:00This is my story. It is rambling, sometimes crude, always poorly written. But it is mine.<br /><br />My wife had an affair. I found out almost 5 years ago. With God's help, we made it.<br /><br />I started writing all this down to help me work some things out. I hope others can benefit from it. This is particularly for the people who are wondering if it is possible to heal a marriage rocked by an affair. Anything is possible for God.<br /><br />If you want the story, the posts are listed below in order.<br /><br />I must warn you now: In going back through the story and my feelings, I tend to be fairly blunt in my writings. Sometimes the hurt and anger comes through. I use adult language and images to discuss a very adult situation. But while I was able to tap into the anger I felt at various times in the story, you should always remember that my wife is a brave woman. She is <em>good</em>. She is <em>pure</em>. She made a mistake, but the woman that I will kiss goodnight this evening is not the same person that she was in the times discussed in this blog.:<br /><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/first-post.html">First post</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/chapter-1-d-day.html">Chapter 1 - D-day</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/chapter-2-d-day-part-2.html">Chapter 2 - D-day part 2</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/intermission-how-things-are-now.html">Intermission - How things are now</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/chapter-3-d-day-part-3.html">Chapter 3 - D-day part 3</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/chapter-4-sunday-d-day-1.html">Chapter 4 - Sunday, D-day +1</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/chapter-5-qa-learning-details.html">Chapter 5 - Q&A - Learning the details</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/chapter-6.html">Chapter 6</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/chapter-7-her-job.html">Chapter 7 - her job</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/chapter-8-talking-to-other-guy.html">Chapter 8 - talking to the other guy</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/chapter-9-rings-and-things.html">Chapter 9 - Rings and things</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/11/chapter-10-how-things-change_11.html">Chapter 10 - How things change</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/11/chapter-11-sex-ups-and-downs.html">Chapter 11 - Sex - The Ups and Downs</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/11/chapter-12-revenge-affair.html">Chapter 12 - The Revenge Affair</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/11/my-email-address.html">My email address</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/11/chapter-13-residue.html">Chapter 13 - The residue</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/11/chapter-14-false-memories.html">Chapter 14 - False memories</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/12/chapter-15-spiritual-roller-coaster.html">Chapter 15 - Spiritual Roller Coaster</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2005/12/chapter-16-rediculous-things-i-have.html">Chapter 16- Rediculous things I have done</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2006/02/chapter-17-4-years-and-counting.html">Chapter 17 - 4 years and counting</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2006/05/intermission-feedback-and-comments.html">Intermission / Feedback and comments</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2006/05/chapter-18-passing-it-on.html">Chapter 18 - Passing it On</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2006/05/chapter-19-you-cant-fix-each-other.html">Chapter 19 - You can't fix each other</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2006/05/chapter-20-commitment-and-withdrawal.html">Chapter 20 -- Commitment and Withdrawal</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2006/08/chapter-21-permanent-rewiring.html">Chapter 21 -- Permanent (?) rewiring</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2007/01/clarification.html">A clarification</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2007/01/why-bother.html">Why Bother?</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2007/06/ch-22-who-cares-what-people-think.html">Chapter 22 -- Who cares what people think?</a><br /><a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/2007/07/chapter-23-pop-up-ads.html">Chapter 23 - Pop-up Ads</a> -- Dealing with unwanted thoughtsAuthorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1154987269725058882006-08-07T17:36:00.000-04:002007-07-24T17:25:58.281-04:00Chapter 21 -- Permanent (?) rewiringThere is little more to be said about all this, but something recently struck me as curious. I've had occasions in recent weeks to see my wife interact with male friends. There was nothing inappropriate about the way she did so, but that did not stop this jealous beast from rising up inside of me.<br /><br />Why? It's been so many years since the affair now that I have to stop and think about how long we have been dealing with this. An innocent conversation between my wife and another man did not bother me once upon a time. Now it does -- immensely. I wonder if the affair was such a dramatic event that while the pain has subsided, I have forgiven her, and we have healed in many ways, there are some areas of my hardwiring that are forever changed.<br /><br />I may have already said this, but it is my theory that you never completely heal from something like this (just like you never completely heal from a death in the family.) You grow; you deal with the pain; things get better; but you never get to the same point you would be if the event never happened.<br /><br />I dunno. But I do think that parts of my brain do not work the same way that they did before the affair. Some of the changes are good. Some are not. I don't want to go through life being jealous and paranoid without cause, and it seems much more difficult now to keep a check on those emotions than it did before. Whether it is permanent or will continue to ebb over time remains to be seen.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1148138160903279622006-05-20T11:05:00.000-04:002007-07-24T17:26:48.519-04:00Chapter 20 -- Commitment and WithdrawalAnother great question:<br /><blockquote><span style="color:#000099;">In one of your earlier posts you said that you have now found out that your<br />wife has had other men in her life pretty much throughout the marriage. Has your<br />wife now come to terms with the fact that this is probably one of the reasons<br />that your marriage was in trouble? I am sure that you were able to sense that<br />there was not a full commitment and you probably reacted accordingly. Do you<br />think this caused you to pull back from the marriage? Have you ever discussed<br />this? </span></blockquote><br />I did sense that our commitments were not the same. My own parents divorced (after the kids were grown), and my attitude was marriage is for life no matter what. Only the four A's -- adultery, abuse, addiction, abandonment -- justified ending the marriage. I was determined not to follow in the footsteps of my father, who had a string of affairs, so I put guards up to keep from putting myself in a situation where an affair might develop.<br /><br />My wife did not have that history and I think she had different attitudes about divorce. That's <em>had</em>, past tense. It was an option if things got bad or uncomfortable. She was not as guarded about opposite-sex friendships.<br /><br />The tension showed itself in a variety of ways. I became resentful about her jobs because of the role I thought they played in her life. The work was not something she did to support the family or to develop herself as an individual. Rather, it seemed to me that work was an escape from the family for her, and in the battle between work and family, work would win every time.<br /><br />Again, that's the way it seemed to me. Maybe those attitudes made her more likely to decide to have an affair, maybe not. Maybe I read her correctly about the role work played in her life, maybe I didn't.<br /><br />I think my wife has a different attitude about divorce now than she did before we worked through the affair. I am certain she has a different attitude about boundaries with men, appropriate language, etc. I see it in her behavior.<br /><br />Rightly or wrongly, the difference in her commitment, whether real or perceived, caused me to withdraw. But here's a question for you -- was the resulting damage to our relationship caused by her commitment level, or was it caused by my withdrawal? Had I not withdrawn, would her commitment level have continued to deteriorate?<br /><br />I'm on the hook for my share in all this. She is no more responsible for my own failings than I am for hers.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1147205184729075072006-05-09T15:41:00.000-04:002007-07-24T17:29:31.722-04:00Chapter 19 - You can't fix each otherSomeone asked this question in a comment:<br /><blockquote><span style="color:#000099;">How did your wife go about addressing the pain of the affair so that you would feel better in the end?<br /></span></blockquote><br />That's a great question, and difficult to answer.<br /><br />You see, if I had just said, "You cheated, I'm hurting, and it's your job to make it better," I'd still be waiting. She couldn't make it stop hurting (no one could), no matter what she did or how hard she tried.<br /><br />Now there were things she could -- and did -- do to help, but I "feel better" because of what I did, not because of what she did.<br /><br />Let me explain. Before I was willing to re-engage and remain committed to the marriage, I had to believe that the affair was over and that she wanted it to stay over. By far, the most important factor in that was that I needed to be convinced that she understood how badly her decisions hurt me. For that, I needed her to apologize (she did) and I needed to see her remorse (I did). I saw her almost throw up from sobbing in agony over what she had done. It was real.<br /><br />She tried to make it better by being loving to me, by changing behavior patterns (less flirty, conservative dress). While I appreciated these gestures, they didn't stop the pain.<br /><br />Stopping the pain took time. A lot of time. And, I had to grow for the pain to stop. I had to stop playing the victim. I had to stop letting what other people think of me determine what <em>I</em> thought of me. These were things that my wife could not do. It was solely between me and God.<br /><br />That isn't to say that if someone cheats, they are not responsible for the pain that they cause. They surely are and should do all they can to redress it. The pain is so awful, though, that you can't make up for it completely, you just can't. But if they want to try, they should apologize and express sincere remorse. They should change their behavior, stop the affair, cut off all contact with the affair partner, and be accountable for their time to earn trust.<br /><br />But again, it won't be enough. At some point, the other party to the marriage has to let it go and just forgive. The pain gets better when you stop looking back and start looking forward, when you can again see the things in your spouse that attracted you to her in the first place and stop seeing her just as a cheater.<br /><br />When I forgave my wife, it did much more for me than for her. I thought I was doing her a big favor, but the real benefactor was me. I didn't realize how heavy that grudge was until I stopped carrying it.<br /><br />Don't look to your spouse to fix the pain. Give yourself time to hurt and to grieve, then let it go. It won't be immediate, or at least it wasn't for me. I let go little bits at a time, and as the pain decreased I was able to let go of more and more.<br /><br />The affair does not control me and does not define me any more (nor does it her). I'll never forget it, but now when I'm reminded of the affair it doesn't bum me out for days on end. I think, "Wow, that was painful." And that's it.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1147042541054654632006-05-07T18:42:00.000-04:002007-07-24T17:33:54.160-04:00Chapter 18 - Passing it OnIn 2 Corinthians, Paul writes that when we are comforted by God, we are able to pass that comfort on to others.<br /><br />Maybe I just notice it more because of what we have been through, but after the affair it seemed like I was surrounded by infidelity. People everywhere were cheating and being cheated on, and I was in a position to give advice and comfort.<br /><br />Sometimes I had to keep silent because of our decision to be as discrete as possible about our own situation. But when I could, I talked about what we had learned.<br /><br />I got an email from a woman who had read this blog. I can't repeat it in its entirety because it was sent in confidence. My reply does not give away any of her personal information, so I copy it here as an example of what I would tell anyone who found out their spouse was cheating and who wanted to make a go of putting it back together:<br /><br /><span style="color:#000099;">Dear _______,<br /><br />Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and your family in this very difficult and tumultuous time.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">I am not a counselor or a professional and I cannot tell anyone what they should do when they discover an affair. I only know what helped me during a similar situation.<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#000099;">I understand how difficult it is to decide whether to stay in your marriage, and that is not a question that anyone else can answer for you. If you are anything like me, then in the immediate aftermath of discovering the affair you are not in the best frame of mind to make life-changing decisions. Give it some time. Commit to yourself that you will stay for 3 months, or 6 months, or whatever, and then re-evaluate. You may be calmer then and able to see things more clearly. </span><br /><br /><span style="color:#000099;">There were many encouraging things about your email. From what you have said it appears that your husband is sincere in his effort to rebuild. He is opening up his life to you, being honest about what has happened, and has grasped the concept of complete separation from his affair partner (even if that may not be possible in the immediate future). He has made a step toward counseling by participating in your teleconference. None of these things is a guarantee that your marriage will survive (nobody has a guarantee), but these are signs of a commitment without which it would hardly be possible.<br /><br />It sounds like you gave him a choice, he made it, AND HE CHOSE YOU. I hope you can find a way to see past the pain and appreciate that fact.<br /><br />When my wife and I were in this situation, these are the things that in my opinion enabled us to repair our marriage:<br /><br />1. Counseling. She and I both had individual counseling and we went together to marital counseling. Neither you nor your husband can go through this process alone.<br /><br />2. The book titled Torn Assunder. It helped us both understand very early in the process that what we wanted to do would be exteremely difficult, but it was possible, and it gave us hope. It helped my wife understand the pain she had caused and it helped me understand that I would have to get out of the victim mode at some point if we were going to make it.<br /><br />3. Knowing that I could survive even if my marriage didn't. I had a good life before I met my wife. I will have a good life if we stop being married. I would miss her terribly if my marriage ended either by death or divorce, but I would be OK. Once I figured that out, I wasn't desparate. I was hopeful and I was willing to work hard to meet my goals, but my life did not depend on my marriage working.<br /><br />4. Open communication. We talked a lot about the affair, about how it made me feel, about what I needed to re-develop trust, and about the pain she was going through when she made those decisions. We later were able to talk about what the weaknesses were in our marriage that made it more likely to have an affair. Do you need him to call you from work everyday and tell you that he loves you, so that you will be reassured and you are guaranteed that you will be on his mind? Tell him. Do you need him to call you 5 times a day? Tell him. We men don't figure that stuff out by ourselves.<br /><br />5. Discretion. We opened up completely to our counsellor and to each other, but to no one else except our pastor and one or two very close same-sex friends (we agreed not to talk about our relationship with people of the opposite sex, and I bet you see the importance of that!). That way we did not have to deal with the judgment and gossip that often goes along with a situation like this. I had to fight the initial urge to go tell her family so that I could enjoy their sympathy and have the satisfation of getting the world on my side. I think If I had done that it would have made things a lot harder for us.<br /><br />6. Faith. Quite frankly, if we had both not been Christians, I do not see how we possibly could have gotten past the situation. We may have survived, we might even have stayed together, but as it is God used the situation to create a more wonderful marriage than I would have ever thought possible. We haven't just kept our marriage alive; it is truly more wonderful than ever before. In other words, we are not just "surviving." Like the miracle when Jesus turned water into wine, he took something in our lives that wasn't much at all and turned it into something extraordinary.<br /><br />These are some things that helped us. I hope you and your husband will find what will work for you. I do not know what to tell you about getting through the days ahead until the end of the school year. They will not be easy. But you and your husband are on the same team again. Talk it through together. Talk it through with a counsellor.<br /><br />On counsellors, I would urge you and your husband again to go to counselling and to do some research first. Make sure the counsellor you choose is pro-marriage. There are (I have heard) counsellors who will tell you that the best thing to do is just get a divorce and go your separate ways, or that you each should do whatever makes you happy. Find one that will support the decision you each have made to do your best to rebuild your relationship, and one who will help you work toward that goal.<br /><br />I will pray for you and your husband. God bless you both.<br /><br /></span><span style="color:#000099;"></span>Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1146841657174293392006-05-05T10:47:00.000-04:002007-07-24T17:37:11.302-04:00Intermission / Feedback and commentsSome people have raised some great comments and questions, through comments on this blog and privately via email. I thought I would address some of them here.<br /><br />There's the woman who wrote:<br /><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;"><blockquote><span style="color:#3333ff;">thank you for writing this although we did not survive. it does clarify things. When I told my husband who I thought loved me very much (I still do believe that!) that I had feelings for someone else he basically just let me go. if he would have put up the slightest bit of resistance and offered to try to work it out I would still be there with my family intact. I give you kudos for being a man!</span> </blockquote></span><br /><span style="color:#000000;">Well. I might misunderstand, but it seems to me that this woman had an affair and is blaming her husband for the divorce because he didn't beg her to stay when she said she was leaving. Thanks for the compliment on my undeniable manliness, but I don't think there is anything un-manly about the way this woman's husband reacted. If my wife had said she was leaving, I would probably have asked her to stay and commit with me to at least try to keep it together. But if she refused, I would not have stood in her way. She said instead that she wanted to stay, so we both put our efforts toward recovery. I'm not saying that a couple is without hope when the cheating spouse is determined to leave -- something can always change -- but a condition I set for working on the marriage after the affair was that the affair be over -- completely and immediately over -- and that she agree to work with me by going to counseling and in other ways.</span><br /><br />Got another interesting comment from a woman whose husband cheated. She said that the Winnie-the-Pooh characters were big triggers for her. Now that's a story I want to here. Ma'am, if you're out there, more, please.<br /><br />Here's a good one from someone who wants to disclose her husband's affair:<br /><br /><blockquote><span style="color:#000099;">have not been in touch with the other woman but I so badly want to. Part of me wants to rip her apart , another wants to comfront her woman to woman. I don't know why but I just do. I have an email ready to send out to her e-friends, her pastor , her employer you name it. She and He would exchange office email jokes. I am in the anger phase and don't want to leave it. </span></blockquote><br />I wonder what she decided. If she stayed in that anger phase, they probably haven't recovered much. If she disclosed the affair like she wanted to do, my bet is they are divorcing. I'm not criticizing her -- and she would be within her rights to get a divorce -- but this kind of disclosure is not compatible with putting the marriage back together. We kept it to ourselves, for the most part. We each had a Christian friend (of our own gender) to confide in; our counselor knew; our pastor knew; and that's it. Over time, we have shared our story with a very few other people, because they were going through things in their lives and were in situations where we could help them by sharing.<br /><br /><br />Right after D-day, I was pissed at our counselor. We had been in counseling the whole time the affair was going on. The counselor knew my wife was cheating, but I didn't, and I felt betrayed. Here's a question I got about that:<br /><span style="color:#000099;"><blockquote><span style="color:#000099;">When you found out that the counselor knew about the affair and still concentrated on your issues for the previous year did you think about finding another counselor? I know that I would have been pissed. </span><br /></blockquote></span><br />Yeah, initially I thought about getting another counselor. Ultimately I realized that this guy <u>couldn't</u> have told me, because my wife had told him about the affair in confidence. We would see him together sometimes and separately sometimes, and he couldn't tell her what happened in our private sessions, or the other way around. He told me all that he could. I was angry at everybody in the world at first, the counselor included, but he was just doing his job. And in fact, he was doing it very well and was a tremendous help to us. The affair was a big thing that we were dealing with, quite obviously, but there were other issues in our marriage too, and he was right to focus on those. In hindsight, he did us a great service just by keeping a dialogue going, even if it wasn't about the affair that, at the time, I did not know about. I had no grounds to be angry with a counselor because he protected his client's confidences.<br /><br />Thanks for these questions and comments, and I'm so glad that my story is helping other people.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1139414224992670152006-02-08T10:31:00.000-05:002007-07-24T17:39:28.259-04:00Chapter 17 - 4 years and countingLast month was the 4-year anniversary of d-day, the day I discovered my wife was having an affair. The previous 3 anniversaries were alike. I would spend the day somber and moody and depressed, seeing if she would bring it up. I hoped she would, so I could know that my suffering was important to her. At the same time, I hoped she wouldn't, so I could have a great excuse to get pissed off. Really mature, I know.<br /><br />This year was different. On February 1, I realized that the anniversary had passed several weeks ago and that it had <em>never once crossed my mind</em>. Now that's progress.<br /><br />The affair is still a prominent presence in our lives, but not directly and we don't often think about it. But you don't go through something like this without being permanently changed.<br /><br />I don't trust people like I used to. That isn't to say that I am distrustful of everyone or that I assume everyone is out to hurt me. With my wife, it is not that I think it likely she will hook up whenever she leaves the house. It's just a recognition that it could happen, just like it could happen with me or with anyone else. When you least suspect it, each and every person could make a couple of bad choices and <em>bam</em> -- he or she is betraying everyone they love and everything they once stood for.<br /><br />It made me more assertive. I'm much more likely to speak up when something is bugging me than I used to. She's a little less likely to do so. For a while, those trends were probably the result of righteous superiority on my part and guilt on her part, but trends become patterns and patterns become habit, so we do not relate to each other in the same way.<br /><br />A shrink could find other ways we changed. Some changes are improvements, some aren't.<br /><br />On trust -- someone emailed me and said she was having difficulty learning to trust her husband after he had an affair, and that a counselor had said that she just needed to just move on and trust him.<br /><br />That's bullshit. You have to <em>earn</em> my trust. It isn't something I just make up mind to do and give it away.<br /><br />With my wife, trust grew over time. As the evidence stacked up that she wanted to be faithful and that she was structuring her life to make it less likely that she would repeat the same mistakes, I would trust her more.<br /><br />At some point, the evidence in favor of trust is such that is no longer rational to doubt the other person. It no longer makes sense to assume that they would jump at any opportunity to cheat on you. At that point, yes, a person does need to move on. But that takes time, and lots of it. So while trust is in a part a decision and a matter of will, it is a decision based on evidence of good behavior, not unverifiable promises.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1135805125669857522005-12-28T15:50:00.000-05:002007-07-24T17:42:14.426-04:00Chapter 16- Rediculous things I have doneI was so lost after learning of my wife's affair. The ground was pulled out from under me and I felt like I was thrashing about in the water looking for any safehold. At the same time, I lost all self esteem I ever had. Obviously, if she had an affair, I must be a terrible lover and have no sex appeal.<br /><br />I wanted to feel better about myself. I wanted to feel sexy. In my mind, the way to do this was to be completely different from who I was, because who I was must not be sexy at all.<br /><br />It seemed so very sane at the time.<br /><br />I considered several activities and changes that would be out of character for me. A lurid affair of my own was considered and quickly rejected (see previous post). I thought of sky diving, but there was nowhere near my home that offered lessons and the cost was too great. I next thought of a tattoo. It would definitely be out of character, but it had a quality of permanance that, even in my haze of self-pity, I knew I would one day regret. I could dye my hair, but that was too abrupt an outward change for me.<br /><br />So I made the logical choice and had my nipple pierced (God, I'm so embarrassed as I write this). It was outlandish, cheap, private, and reversible. Also pathetic, looking back, but it actually felt really good to live on the wild side.<br /><br />Of course I couldn't show anyone. I was grounded enough to be embarrassed about it, and it would require explanations that I wasn't ready to give (remember, no one else knew what we were going through).<br /><br />Anyway, I kept it for about a week. Then I took it out, everything grew back the way it was, no harm done.<br /><br />Obviously, there were better ways I could have handled this. In hindsight, what I needed to do was to realize that my wife made a terrible decision that was not reflective of my merits as a husband or a lover. She didn't cheat because of who I was, and therefore it did not mean I was ugly or lousy in bed. I might be both, but that's not why affairs happened. Had I realized these things, I wouldn't have been so desparate to feel good about myself.<br /><br />Actually, it is just this kind of desparation that leads some people to have affairs. For whatever reason, a person is desparate to feel special and loved, or simply gets caught up with the excitement of the moment, and they do something stupid and out of character. It took a nipple ring for me to get some insight into my wife's mind and make me realize how a good person could do such a foolish thing.<br /><br />By the way, getting your nipple pierced hurts like a son of a bitch.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1133543575745491272005-12-02T12:01:00.000-05:002007-07-24T17:48:25.181-04:00Chapter 15 - Spiritual Roller CoasterI became a Christian at the age of 9. Young, yes, but it was real. Like everyone else, I have at times done much better than others in my spiritual journey. There have been times when I just felt closer to God than others, and that was always when I was doing a better job of spending time regularly in prayer and Bible study.<br /><br />In the months before I learned about the affair, but when I realized my wife was thinking of leaving me, I was as close to God as I have ever been in my entire life. I needed Him and He sustained me during that time. In fact, I got to a critical point in my journey, which is the realization that if my marriage fails, I will be OK. If any other disaster strikes, I will be OK. If all I have left is God, that is enough.<br /><br />But then I learned about the affair, and without realizing it I turned my back completely on God. I was pissed off. All those months of seeking Him and this is the thanks I get? Looking back, it was a lot of feelings that led to the distance. Part of me may have thought that it's the spouse who remains faithful who is the fool -- I was doing my job and keeping the faith while my wife was out having the time of her life, and then . . . .<br /><br />after all that . . .<br /><br />God is going to forgive her. She's going to get off scott free. <em>It wasn't fair!</em><br /><br />If I had remained close to God in the months after D-day, things would have gone alot better, and our recovery would probably not have been as long. I likely could have sooner reached a point of forgiveness. As it was, I did not even realize how far I had drifted for a couple of years. When I distanced myself from God, I lost sight of the fact that my value comes from being in Christ, and being with Him is the only place where I will always be accepted, where I will always be whole. When you lose sight of that, and you try to find your self-worth in your job or your marriage, then you don't know how to handle it when your job or your marriage fall apart.<br /><br />Being distanced from God, forgiveness was next to impossible. I wanted <em>justice</em>! But in Him, I can remember that I have been forgiven so much, and I have no right to look down on any other person.<br /><br />You would think that I would learn. When I take something out of God's hands and try to handle it myself, I muck it up. The recovery was no different. It was not until I remembered my place in Him and leaned on his power, not my own, that we made real progress.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1132281979239235492005-11-17T21:39:00.000-05:002005-11-17T21:46:19.240-05:00Chapter 14 - False memoriesI recall one reaction immediately after the affair was a profound sense of insecurity. The world shakes under your feet and you feel as if there is no safe place to stand. The person you trusted the most has betrayed you, so you doubt everyone.<br /><br />One factor that increases the feelings of insecurity is that you don't even know whether you can trust your memories of your prior relationship. When you learn that things are not as they really seem, you wonder about all of the feelings you've had toward your spouse and all of the things you did together. When we went to that new restaurant, was her heart really in it, or was she thinking of him? When the family went to the zoo, did she call him on her cell phone when she went to the bathroom? You think nothing was as it seems.<br /><br />There is a little bit of truth to it -- it wasn't as it seems -- but that does not mean that it was all bad. But you tend to throw out all the good memories, just in case. As a result, it is like you lose entire years of your life in one moment. It is so unsettling. If our experiences are part of our makeup, and if I no longer trust that those were what I thought they were, then who am I?Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1132281411248189772005-11-17T21:27:00.000-05:002005-11-17T21:36:51.263-05:00Chapter 13 - The residueI've thought a lot about how I'm different now after what we've gone through. Some of the changes are good. I'm more sensitive now to my wife's moods and feelings. I have a better sense of what can happen. I have a more realistic view of what people are capable of doing.<br /><br />Before, I was pretty naive. I trusted blindly. I haven't lost all trust like some say they do, but guess I've gained a healthy sense that any person, under the right circumstances, is capable of anything.<br /><br />Some of the changes have not been good. I'm working on those now. After the affair, I walled myself off from everyone. I felt so isolated. In a way, I was, because of the need to keep our privacy. But I made it worse. I was never a very open person to begin with, but after the affair I quit reaching out entirely. I lost friends, and now I've lost a job. At work, I kept to myself so much that every single relationship I had suffered. I'm in a job that requires teamwork, but I stopped being a team player. I was so mad at the world, and so lonely, that my career suffered greatly.<br /><br />These reactions on my part were a result of the affair, but they are not my wife's fault. I made choices to live only for myself, and I'm reaping the consequences. Although the affair was not my fault, my reactions to it are my fault and no one elses. It's taken me a very long time to recognize that.<br /><br />I'm doing much better about reaching out to my wife now, but I have a long way to go with everyone else. There are a lot of fences to mend, and I worry about being up to the challenge. But, if we can make it through the aftermath of an affair, and come out better for it, I can do this.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1131851294235226422005-11-12T22:03:00.000-05:002005-11-14T12:04:41.396-05:00My email addressWow. People are actually reading this thing.<br /><br />Someone said they can't get to my first few posts. I don't know how that works. But if you want them, you can email me at <a href="mailto:we_made_it_blog@yahoo.com">we_made_it_blog@yahoo.com</a> and I'll be happy to send them to you.<br /><br />Or, if you want to comment or ask questions, I would like that. I don't want to go through this hell if I can't help somebody.<br /><br />I can't tell you if you should get divorced or not. I can't tell you if your spouse is cheating or if they're still cheating. All I can do is tell you what happened to us and what worked for us.<br /><br />Good luck to all of youAuthorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1131850219396430522005-11-12T21:35:00.000-05:002005-11-12T21:53:06.776-05:00Chapter 12 - The Revenge AffairNo, I didn't have one. But I thought about it. A lot.<br /><br />This was very early on. The whole thing made me so sick, I started thinking that the only way to get past it was for her to feel what I felt, for her to see how terrible it is to go through. <em>She deserves it</em>, I told myself. <em>I deserve it</em>, I told myself.<br /><br />I never took one single step in that direction. But if I had known a woman who would have been a likely affair partner, it would have been too, too easy to slip down that slide.<br /><br />I think this is pretty common. Not just the abstract desire to get even, but the specific desire to get even by having your own affair after your spouse does. I don't think I was ever really serious about it, it was just a revenge fantasy. A very unhealthy one.<br /><br />I have a pretty good idea what would have happened if I had cheated. I would have gotten caught, because I'm careless and a terrible liar. And we would have gotten divorced. Not that she's less forgiving than I am, but because we already had enough stress to be going on with.<br /><br />Eventually I realized how rediculous the idea was. I didn't want to be a cheater. I didn't want to get divorced. And I know it isn't noble, but I didn't want to give up the advantage I had by being the "victim."<br /><br />Whatever the reason I didn't act on it, thank God I didn't. Now, I could not bear the thought of hurting my wife in that way.<br /><br />I've redoubled my efforts to be faithful. If a woman is walking in front of me, I look at the ground. When I travel, I do not travel with a woman. I don't talk to women about their relationships or mine.<br /><br />Nine commandments are fair game for me. I don't make a habit of killing or stealing, but I do not deny that I have enough evil in me that under the right circumstances, I could do it. But cheating? That one's off the table.<br /><br />So if anyone is out there, and if you're thinking about a revenge affair, for God's sake don't do it. You're better than that. Chances are, your spouse had no idea the hell it would put you through. Now, you know exactly the hell it would put your spouse through, and you could say that would make you more guilty than they were. Don't do it.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1131849222706093982005-11-12T20:22:00.000-05:002005-11-17T21:49:50.056-05:00Chapter 11 - Sex - The Ups and DownsI guess I had to get to this part sooner or later. How does an affair change your sex life?<br /><br />Even before the affair started, this wasn't exactly the highlight of our marriage. I'm a guy. I wanted/needed sex more than she did. It caused tension at times. That's the story of most couples I know, at least as far as I know.<br /><br />But there were some pretty long dry spells. As a conflict avoider, I wasn't good at being up front about my feelings and needs and would withdraw. When I withdrew, she was even less interested in sex, and I withdrew more, and so on.<br /><br />Around the time the affair started, we slacked off. A lot. But we had done that before, so it didn't necessarily raise any red flags.<br /><br />Immediately after the affair, I couldn't even undress in front of my wife. Honestly, I was repulsed at the thought of sleeping with her. All I could think of was what she had done with him. She seemed dirty to me.<br /><br />We tried for the first time a couple of months after disclosure. It was a heat of the moment kind of thing, and as long as I was just acting on hormones I was fine. But then my mind set in, and the images started flowing. <em>Uh-oh -- I'm not as good as he was. She's comparing us. I bet they did this and it will remind her . . . .</em><br /><br />And so much for that erection.<br /><br />So it was a race. Whenever we tried to have sex, I knew I had to orgasm quickly, or I would start thinking about the affair and the evening would end in disappointment. Of course, on the rare occasions that I succeeded in the sprint, <em>her</em> evening would end in disappointment.<br /><br /><div>Another problem was the antidepressants. I started on Celexa soon after disclosure, and eventually switched to Effexor. One side-effect of these drugs is "delayed ejaculation," at least for some men. So even if I succeeded in focusing on the moment, eventually one of us would start looking at the clock. For one reason or another, every episode seemed to end with a whimper, not a bang, because of my performance anxiety.</div><div> </div><div></div><div></div><div><div>Truth is, she wasn't thinking about the affair or the other person nearly as much as I was, or even as much as I <em>thought</em> she was. A lot of it was just in my head.</div></div><br />Like everything else, it took time for our sex life to improve. It did not get better until both of us got better. For me, that meant forgiveness, in stages, and becoming comfortable that I didn't have competition any more. <em>She chose me, </em>I would remind myself.<br /><br />I think this is a way men and women react differently. I remember my wife asking me, <em>Why have you never asked if we loved each other</em>? There were two reasons. One was that I knew it wasn't really love, regardless of whether they thought it was. Second, I was too freaked out about their sleeping together to care about the feelings that may have been present.<br /><br />I think it must be easy to have great sex in an affair. There's the newness and excitement of a relationship. And you're only giving your best to each other. Anybody can get along if you never see each other with bed-head and morning breath, and you don't have to deal with kids and mortgages and fixing dinner and mowing grass. What kind of relationship is that? I just don't think it can be love if your only giving someone a little part of your life. So I guess I came to realize, it doesn't matter whether or not the sex seemed better to her. To this day, I don't know if it did or not, and now I don't care. It <em>is</em> better with me -- even if it's sometimes clumsy or too short or too long - because I love her.<br /><br />So after the affair, my ego was blown, and as a result our sex life was too for a while. I guess good sex can improve a bad relationship sometimes, but for us the relationship had to come first.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1131734285245679302005-11-11T13:24:00.001-05:002005-11-11T13:38:05.246-05:00Chapter 10 - How things changeTo present day. I haven't added to the blog in over a month, and it is just because my marriage is going well. My wife and I are very, very happy, and I haven't been in the mood to talk about what we went through.<br /><br />I'm having a bad time at work -- just normal career problems that have escalated to the point that I may make a change. I want to write more about those problems and how I have handled them (and mishandled them), because they relate to the affair experience. (The short version: I got used to playing the victim, and it affected my work relationships. Even though they had no idea about the affair, I let my marital problems -- and the pity party I let go on too long -- get in the way at work, and I'm paying the price).<br /><br />Here is what I have to say about it today. Even though some of my problems at work are a direct result of the affair, I do not blame my wife. And, in dealing with the uncertainty of a career change, my wife and I are a team.<br /><br />Think about what this means. For my perspective to be this way, I had to forgive, and it demonstrates to me that I have forgiven her completely. It also means that, while it is not my fault that she decided to have an affair, the affair was really only one component of our problems, and I have shared responsibility for the overall problems. You can only see that after a lot of growth and the perspective of several years of hindsight.<br /><br />Plus, we see our lives and our futures as being linked together. We're a team. We are truly husband and wife, not just two individuals who share a kid and an address. I'm not sure that was true before she had an affair.<br /><br />In other words, we are better now than ever before.Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.com1