Friday, December 02, 2005

Chapter 15 - Spiritual Roller Coaster

I became a Christian at the age of 9. Young, yes, but it was real. Like everyone else, I have at times done much better than others in my spiritual journey. There have been times when I just felt closer to God than others, and that was always when I was doing a better job of spending time regularly in prayer and Bible study.

In the months before I learned about the affair, but when I realized my wife was thinking of leaving me, I was as close to God as I have ever been in my entire life. I needed Him and He sustained me during that time. In fact, I got to a critical point in my journey, which is the realization that if my marriage fails, I will be OK. If any other disaster strikes, I will be OK. If all I have left is God, that is enough.

But then I learned about the affair, and without realizing it I turned my back completely on God. I was pissed off. All those months of seeking Him and this is the thanks I get? Looking back, it was a lot of feelings that led to the distance. Part of me may have thought that it's the spouse who remains faithful who is the fool -- I was doing my job and keeping the faith while my wife was out having the time of her life, and then . . . .

after all that . . .

God is going to forgive her. She's going to get off scott free. It wasn't fair!

If I had remained close to God in the months after D-day, things would have gone alot better, and our recovery would probably not have been as long. I likely could have sooner reached a point of forgiveness. As it was, I did not even realize how far I had drifted for a couple of years. When I distanced myself from God, I lost sight of the fact that my value comes from being in Christ, and being with Him is the only place where I will always be accepted, where I will always be whole. When you lose sight of that, and you try to find your self-worth in your job or your marriage, then you don't know how to handle it when your job or your marriage fall apart.

Being distanced from God, forgiveness was next to impossible. I wanted justice! But in Him, I can remember that I have been forgiven so much, and I have no right to look down on any other person.

You would think that I would learn. When I take something out of God's hands and try to handle it myself, I muck it up. The recovery was no different. It was not until I remembered my place in Him and leaned on his power, not my own, that we made real progress.


At 12:14 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, one year into this "recovery" process, one thing for sure I've learned.... Forgiveness is not a one time deal. Then done. I find myself forgiving him every time I have a trigger, bad thought, insecure feeling or low self esteem based on his bad decision. I have found that forgiveness in continual and on going and needs renewed more often than not.

At 10:37 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! I did the exact same thing! I was so close to God and was learning more and more about him and we were so intimate! Then...the bomb husband had an affair...I turned my back on God. I told God I hated him. I told him that I didn't want to be a Christian anymore...after was his fault that this happened. He could have stopped it and he didn't. I was so angry at both God and my H...that I did have an affair. It was an aweful experience...and I ask God to take away the memories and guilt I have everyday.
I have since come back to God and understand that he was not to blame...that he had everything under control and that he was (and is) always working upstream.
Thank you for your openness in posting your story.


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