Tuesday, January 09, 2007

A clarification

I don't want to confuse anyone, for heaven's sake. A couple of people have mentioned "anger" and "disrespect" in my early posts directed toward my wife and the other man. It concerned them because, if I still feel such anger and disrespect after 5 years, then our marriage hasn't really recovered very much, has it?

When I sat down to write, particularly when I was writing about the initial year or so after discovery, I took a journey in time and some of those early feelings cropped up. When you first find out, of course you are angry. Of course you use heated language. Of course you lash out. That came through in my writing not because I live with those emotions any more, but rather I was simply recording, for my own benefit (and later, I hope, for others' benefit), my journey from A to B. I went back to A so I could better appreciate B.

I'm not angry with my wife about the affair. I was -- very, very angry, and rightfully so -- but I am not anymore. I forgave her and no longer hold it over her head. She owes me nothing. As for the other guy, he is not in our life and is not on our mind. I have forgiven him, too (I did not tell him so, but forgave him all the same), and he owes me nothing.

So please do not think I am angry or disrespectful to my wife. She made a mistake. A big one, yes, but it is history. I love her so much and I don't think of her as a cheater or an adultress. I can look back at the way she responded to this ordeal and see many admirable qualities. It takes guts to say, "I was wrong, and I'm going to change." She is a loving and courageous person with whom it will be my honor to spend the rest of my life.

In the immediate aftermath, I did not feel that way. Duh. And that comes through in the posts. Just remember, please, as you go with me back to A, that we are now happily at B. And if you are stuck in A, let us be proof to you that if you are both committed and if you trust God to breathe life into your marriage, you can get to B too.


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