Saturday, October 08, 2005

Chapter 8 - talking to the other guy

After d-day, I thought long and hard about whether to make contact with the other guy. There was so much I wanted to say, not a bit of it that would have been helpful to anyone. I actually went to their workplace a couple of times to see him, but he either was not there or there were too many people around. My goal was to let him know how much pain he had caused and how wrong his actions were. As if he didn’t know. I believe God was at work and that it would have been very destructive if we had met then.

Eventually, my goals changed. I still wanted to talk to him, but not to make him feel bad. I wanted to hear from him, man to man, if he intended to honor our commitment to reconcile and if he would agree never to contact my wife again. I prayed that God would lead me and would guide me to say only what was constructive.

I caught him in his office after hours one evening and asked if he had a minute. He recognized me, politely invited me in his office, and said “I guess we better shut the door.” I sat down, he sat down, and he looked nervous and miserable. I said, “I am not here to talk about the past. There is a lot I want to say, but I don’t think it would be helpful and my guess is you already know how I feel about what went on. What I hope to do is talk about the future. You already know that we want to move forward and we hope to reconcile. I need to know what your intentions are toward my wife and if I have your commitment to never contact us again.”

He said that he had gotten my wife’s letter that I had nothing to worry about from him – he said “I am out of the picture.” He also said that he had respect for me for wanting to reconcile in spite of what happened and for what I wasn’t saying in the present conversation. He started to apologize, but I was getting pissed off. Who the hell was he to compliment me? I could only guess what they were saying about me when they were involved in the affair, and I was not going to listen to him now. I had what I came for and stopped him. “If you are trying to apologize,” I said, “don’t bother – I am nowhere close to being ready to accept it. I think this is a good time for us to part ways.”

And we did.

5 Comments:

At 5:13 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have not been in touch with the other woman but I so badly want to. Part of me wants to rip her apart , another wants to comfront her woman to woman. I don't know why but I just do. I have an email ready to send out to her e-friends, her pastor , her employer you name it. She and He would exchange office email jokes. I am in the anger phase and don't want to leave it.

 
At 6:49 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have spoken with the other woman and it was so difficult because she tried to make me believe that it was all his fault. I know (i´ve seen the chats) she started it and that she asked him for money. I also know that even now she keeps pressing him to continue the relationship even though I know.
I also have a message that I plan to post on all the forums the visited. At this stage all I want is to vent my anger and disappointment.

 
At 6:46 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I did speak to the OW it went very poorly. They met online I know He went there to meet women. She knew he was married. She told me things, they he never would admit to and still won't after a year and half. He even continued to see her after we split up for 5 months. Then went into MC. I was very vulerable when I spoke with her and belived everything she said. I will never know the details. Only that I know I am not capible of hurting anyone like thank. Thank God

 
At 4:07 PM , Anonymous Ron said...

While I will be tempted to meet the other partner, is there really anyone to blame other than your spouse? I mean, you have no contract or marriage commitmnet to the cheater's partner. Even if someone presses on your significant other, in my eyes; it is my significant other's DUTY to clearly and defeintively reject any advances. In that reagrd, I really don't see a reason to confront the other person unless he/she is just not taking no from the person their trying to attract.

 
At 12:41 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

One year later and a part of me still wants to confront the other woman. My initial reaction was one of pity because I know how vulnerable divorced mothers can be. But over time and self-education I now feel angrier towards her. "Nice," confident people do not have affairs with other people's spouses, no matter what scenario is provided by the cheating spouse. They are needy and insecure, not believing they deserve better, or feeling a competitive urge to "win" a man away from a successful woman. Ironically, she was going for a graduate degree in family counseling and only ended their relationship when I discovered her identity and made us separate until he figured out who and what he wanted.

 

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