Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Chapter 16- Rediculous things I have done

I was so lost after learning of my wife's affair. The ground was pulled out from under me and I felt like I was thrashing about in the water looking for any safehold. At the same time, I lost all self esteem I ever had. Obviously, if she had an affair, I must be a terrible lover and have no sex appeal.

I wanted to feel better about myself. I wanted to feel sexy. In my mind, the way to do this was to be completely different from who I was, because who I was must not be sexy at all.

It seemed so very sane at the time.

I considered several activities and changes that would be out of character for me. A lurid affair of my own was considered and quickly rejected (see previous post). I thought of sky diving, but there was nowhere near my home that offered lessons and the cost was too great. I next thought of a tattoo. It would definitely be out of character, but it had a quality of permanance that, even in my haze of self-pity, I knew I would one day regret. I could dye my hair, but that was too abrupt an outward change for me.

So I made the logical choice and had my nipple pierced (God, I'm so embarrassed as I write this). It was outlandish, cheap, private, and reversible. Also pathetic, looking back, but it actually felt really good to live on the wild side.

Of course I couldn't show anyone. I was grounded enough to be embarrassed about it, and it would require explanations that I wasn't ready to give (remember, no one else knew what we were going through).

Anyway, I kept it for about a week. Then I took it out, everything grew back the way it was, no harm done.

Obviously, there were better ways I could have handled this. In hindsight, what I needed to do was to realize that my wife made a terrible decision that was not reflective of my merits as a husband or a lover. She didn't cheat because of who I was, and therefore it did not mean I was ugly or lousy in bed. I might be both, but that's not why affairs happened. Had I realized these things, I wouldn't have been so desparate to feel good about myself.

Actually, it is just this kind of desparation that leads some people to have affairs. For whatever reason, a person is desparate to feel special and loved, or simply gets caught up with the excitement of the moment, and they do something stupid and out of character. It took a nipple ring for me to get some insight into my wife's mind and make me realize how a good person could do such a foolish thing.

By the way, getting your nipple pierced hurts like a son of a bitch.


At 7:41 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reading this hit home. I wanted and did do something drastic, I got a vasectomy. I already have children so we'll see if I regret it. Funny that the story is different but the same. Thanks for your post.

At 11:25 AM , Blogger Author said...

Vasectomy, huh? I've heard of tatoos, motorcycle or convertible purchases, revenge affairs, sky-diving, scuba diving, spelunking, hair coloring, hair plugs, and scrotum-shaving as a response to your wife having an affair, but not a vasectomy. It's alright -- no one here casts stones (or they better not).

At 9:21 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bought a penis pump...really. Lol

At 3:04 PM , Blogger Author said...

There's no judging here, penis-pump guy. Pump away.

I've never heard a guy talk about his wife's affair who didn't have insecurities in one form or another. I know my wife told someone that the sex with her affair partner was "fabulous."

Of course it was. When you indulge yourself in a relationship that has no responsibilities, never having to worry about mortgage payments or kids or college accounts or waking up with bad breath and bed-head, I'm sure it's wonderful. Cheap, evil, destructive, and soul-selling, but it feels good.

At 3:27 PM , Blogger norma h said...

you are giving me hope. my husband had a two year plus affair and I discovered it just about a year ago. this has been a real struggle but we are determined to get thru it all. He shows me daily that he is remorseful and wants to work it out. it has been hard but we are both better for our work on our marriage

At 12:40 PM , Blogger Author said...

Good luck Norma. There is always hope in Christ.


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