Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Chapter 16- Rediculous things I have done

I was so lost after learning of my wife's affair. The ground was pulled out from under me and I felt like I was thrashing about in the water looking for any safehold. At the same time, I lost all self esteem I ever had. Obviously, if she had an affair, I must be a terrible lover and have no sex appeal.

I wanted to feel better about myself. I wanted to feel sexy. In my mind, the way to do this was to be completely different from who I was, because who I was must not be sexy at all.

It seemed so very sane at the time.

I considered several activities and changes that would be out of character for me. A lurid affair of my own was considered and quickly rejected (see previous post). I thought of sky diving, but there was nowhere near my home that offered lessons and the cost was too great. I next thought of a tattoo. It would definitely be out of character, but it had a quality of permanance that, even in my haze of self-pity, I knew I would one day regret. I could dye my hair, but that was too abrupt an outward change for me.

So I made the logical choice and had my nipple pierced (God, I'm so embarrassed as I write this). It was outlandish, cheap, private, and reversible. Also pathetic, looking back, but it actually felt really good to live on the wild side.

Of course I couldn't show anyone. I was grounded enough to be embarrassed about it, and it would require explanations that I wasn't ready to give (remember, no one else knew what we were going through).

Anyway, I kept it for about a week. Then I took it out, everything grew back the way it was, no harm done.

Obviously, there were better ways I could have handled this. In hindsight, what I needed to do was to realize that my wife made a terrible decision that was not reflective of my merits as a husband or a lover. She didn't cheat because of who I was, and therefore it did not mean I was ugly or lousy in bed. I might be both, but that's not why affairs happened. Had I realized these things, I wouldn't have been so desparate to feel good about myself.

Actually, it is just this kind of desparation that leads some people to have affairs. For whatever reason, a person is desparate to feel special and loved, or simply gets caught up with the excitement of the moment, and they do something stupid and out of character. It took a nipple ring for me to get some insight into my wife's mind and make me realize how a good person could do such a foolish thing.

By the way, getting your nipple pierced hurts like a son of a bitch.


At 7:41 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reading this hit home. I wanted and did do something drastic, I got a vasectomy. I already have children so we'll see if I regret it. Funny that the story is different but the same. Thanks for your post.

At 11:25 AM , Blogger Author said...

Vasectomy, huh? I've heard of tatoos, motorcycle or convertible purchases, revenge affairs, sky-diving, scuba diving, spelunking, hair coloring, hair plugs, and scrotum-shaving as a response to your wife having an affair, but not a vasectomy. It's alright -- no one here casts stones (or they better not).

At 9:21 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bought a penis pump...really. Lol

At 3:04 PM , Blogger Author said...

There's no judging here, penis-pump guy. Pump away.

I've never heard a guy talk about his wife's affair who didn't have insecurities in one form or another. I know my wife told someone that the sex with her affair partner was "fabulous."

Of course it was. When you indulge yourself in a relationship that has no responsibilities, never having to worry about mortgage payments or kids or college accounts or waking up with bad breath and bed-head, I'm sure it's wonderful. Cheap, evil, destructive, and soul-selling, but it feels good.


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