Monday, August 07, 2006

Chapter 21 -- Permanent (?) rewiring

There is little more to be said about all this, but something recently struck me as curious. I've had occasions in recent weeks to see my wife interact with male friends. There was nothing inappropriate about the way she did so, but that did not stop this jealous beast from rising up inside of me.

Why? It's been so many years since the affair now that I have to stop and think about how long we have been dealing with this. An innocent conversation between my wife and another man did not bother me once upon a time. Now it does -- immensely. I wonder if the affair was such a dramatic event that while the pain has subsided, I have forgiven her, and we have healed in many ways, there are some areas of my hardwiring that are forever changed.

I may have already said this, but it is my theory that you never completely heal from something like this (just like you never completely heal from a death in the family.) You grow; you deal with the pain; things get better; but you never get to the same point you would be if the event never happened.

I dunno. But I do think that parts of my brain do not work the same way that they did before the affair. Some of the changes are good. Some are not. I don't want to go through life being jealous and paranoid without cause, and it seems much more difficult now to keep a check on those emotions than it did before. Whether it is permanent or will continue to ebb over time remains to be seen.