Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Still Here . . .

I'm continually amazed at the number of people who stumble across this blog, although I have not updated it in a long time.  You should see the stats.  Most hits come in the wee hours of the morning as some heart-broken person who just discovered his wife, or her husband, had an affair, and they are looking for something -- anything -- to help them understand what they are feeling.  They want to know they are not alone.

They are not alone.  You are not alone.  No, I don't update, because I really have no more to say.  But I do try to keep up with comments, and I sporadically check the email address associated with this blog.

So if you are staring at your laptop at 3:00 a.m., unable to sleep because you're hurting more than you have ever hurt in your life, wondering how you are ever going to make it through work tomorrow, much less the the next year . . . That was me once.  It was about 12 years ago I think.  I don't even remember anymore.

But it does get better.  And you are not alone.


At 3:24 PM , Blogger A Better Man said...

Thank you. Been there, felt that. I think writing about my own experience would help me in many ways, as well. I've been posting on living4amiracle.blogspot.com but it's nothing like what you have here. I like this. I appreciate your efforts here.

At 2:31 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have found your words very comforting. I am 30 and have been with my husband 11 years we have 3 beautiful little girls and he is my soul mate. I discovered two weeks ago he was having an affair and am heart broken but am determined to work at our marriage and make things better than ever. It is good to know that the pain does ease with time

At 11:47 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just found this post... Saw that you made it the day I found out about my husbands affair . Struggling with some new information tonight having a hard time sleeping. I am resolved as well to overcoming this in our marriage and I know God is able to do exceedingly abundantly more than I can ask or think. Just clinging to that tonight. Thanks for letting me know I will be ok.

At 11:40 AM , Anonymous Sarah said...

Hello the day you wrote this is when I found out my husband had been having an affair. We have 4 children. Althought my first two were from my first marriage. I was widowe in that marriage of age 27. Now I'm 30 and have now experienced my spouse dying and my other spouse cheating. It is one big load. He ended the affair immediately. And he says he wants to work it out. But right now I am trying to work out the hurt and the whys???

At 11:47 AM , Blogger Author said...

You will be OK. Wow, you've had a rough time. But whatever happens with the marriage, YOU will be OK. It will mean hard work, a willingness to forgive (whether you stay married or not), and probably counseling. And God.

At 2:56 PM , Blogger annnnonymous said...

im a male at age 34,
i lost my my mother to cancer when i was 19 and studying abroad, in my freshman year at college, lost my dad to cancer two years later, my junior year, a year later i could'nt bare the pain and hated everything in my life, considering im the youngest of all my bros and sis, and most attached to my parents, specially my mom god bless both their souls. 6 years later was in a car accident and my girlfriend got killed in it. 3 years later i got married to a wonderful woman, 3 years later (5 months ago) i discovered that she was having an affair with her manager. this wonderful lady lied and denyed ever something physical was involved. I still to this day i dont believe her. we have two kids, son and a daughter. im still struggling day and night. loss tremednous amount of weight. slepless, hopeless, sad, broken, and let me tell you, my wife's affair is the most difficult experience to cope with. i am dead but breathing at the same time.. sometimes i feel like i want out and divorce her... sometimes i see a light at the end of the tunnel... i dont trust her now.. sometimes i feel love for her, sometimes not, sometimes i miss her, and sometimes i wish i have never met her.. im so confused.. so angry, i am praying everyday and asking for mercy. hoping that the pain i am endeavoring today will wash all my sins away. hoping that i will be blessed with strength rather than weakness.. with or without her in my life.

right now as of this moment... i can honestly say that i am the saddest human being on earth... dont mind if im about to be dead tomorrow dying in my sleep tonight and never waking up... at least i will not live this pain...
im sorry if i sound tormented but i am.. i know i am strong at will but after this discovery all my dreams for her, is sometimes worthless to me.. i dont know if she deserves it or not... i parted out of my private and self established company.. i dont feel like being away from home.. working like i used to... i dont feel joy in anything i do.. the only comfort i get is when i pray or sleep.. nothing else seem to add a joyful experience to me.. my brain stopped reacting... if i only knew how to play piano i could've composed the saddest symphony.. not even Beethoven can come close :) (a hopeless smile) im just writing without thinking.. sorry guys, sometimes the only thing i can do is to get drifted.. floating in the ocean going no where and getting no where..

5 months and still counting

At 1:56 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi. I am 10 years today after her affair ended but only 3 years since I found out. It still hurts and although I love her dearly, I still can not find the trust I had in the past. I know that I never will. She started a new job recently, which has stirred up old insecurities ( it an affair was with a work colleague). I hope that it gets better because in the wee small hours, walking away occasionally still seems an option. I know that god will guide me and I have two wonderful children to consider but it still hurts.

At 11:49 AM , Blogger Author said...

Dear male age 34,

I am so sorry. There is nothing strange or weird about what you are feeling. A lot of us have been there. All I can say is that it will get better, but right now, yeah, it sucks. Big time.

You're 5 months in. It sounds like you feel the way a lot of people do in the very immediate aftermath. I'm no counselor, but I can tell you what it was like for me. Next to my faith, speaking to a therapist was tremendous help in getting me past the point you're in right now, when you're unable to see any hope or find joy in anything. He helped me realize that I was going to be OK whatever happened in my marriage. He also referred me to an MD and I went on antidepressants for a while (they don't make problems go away, and you're dealing with very real stuff, but they helped me get to a place where I could better deal with those problems).

I hope you'll consider talking to somebody. I truly believe that what you are dealing with is about the hardest thing a person can go through. I hope the day comes soon when you can see that the decisions your wife made do not define who you are.

At 11:54 AM , Blogger Author said...

Hey, 10 years after: Congrats on making it 3 years. Remember, she's had 7 more years to deal with this than you have. 3 years is a big milestone in my opinion.

Will you ever get the trust back? I haven't. That doesn't mean that I watch everything she does like I did when I just found out. But the idea I used to have that this could never happen to us was blown out of the water. I'm "aware" now. When she leaves the house, I don't think it is happening again. I am not constantly in fear that she's going to have another affair. I do, however, know that it is possible (and I know it is possible for me, too, which is why I try to be sure to avoid situations where I could put myself in compromising positions).

There's nothing wrong with you. The high level of paranoia should wane in time, but know: You probably won't ever trust in the same way you did before. Not her. Not anybody.

At 8:53 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been cheated on in the past by girlfriends and never hesitated to leave immediately, no questions asked. However my wife of 4 years, mother of my 2 beautiful girls had an affair with a guy from work. I'm told it lasted 2 months before I found out. It took 2 months from me finding out something was going on to get the whole truth, that was a month ago. So 3 months after discovering my wife was cheating I still feel times of depression, anger, resentment, but this past weekend I had my first face to face with the other guy. I was rather proud of myself, not for giving him what he deserves but rather for controlling myself. I'll be 30 in a few months and have been considering all my options. I love her and I always will, I love my kids, and I love the house we just bought a year back. I was at a point in my life where I thought things were looking up and perhaps getting easier, now I feel my idea of perfect is unacceptable to her. She swears it won't happen again and I'm the one she wants but at this point I have no clue as to if she is telling the truth. I've read through your blog over the course of the last few weeks and I appreciate what you have done and it makes me hopeful. I just find it hard to consider staying if trust is gone for good, even thought this is truly the life I always wanted. It wouldn't take much for me to send her on her way and trade her in on a younger model like most do when a vehicle becomes unreliable but I have loved her for a very long time. Again thank you for what you have done here it has probably given hope to many like us.

At 11:17 AM , Blogger Author said...

Anonymous - You're only 3 months in. I was still basically in shock after only 3 months. You have some tough decisions to make, decisions no one else can make for you. Those 2 little girls have to factor in, probably making it a lot tougher for you. Sounds like you are moving very slowly and carefully, and I think that is very smart.

For what it's worth: You're worried about getting the trust back. That will take a lot of time. Much of that depends on her behaving in a way that earns trust, and you have no controll over that. No matter what she does, this experience is so dramatic that trust may never look the same as it did before you found it. If you're like me, you're trust organ has been permanently scarred. But that is something I would have taken into other relationships, if that is what I had chosen to do. In other words, trust is not the same with my wife as it was before the affair (I trust her now, but not in the way I did before), but that would have been true with a new wife too.

Good luck.

At 2:52 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't ever take this blog down. We are two weeks past D-Day and I just discovered this today. I've only had a chance to read the end and the beginning, but it already helps so much. It helps me by validating my feelings and also helps him understand more exactly what I'm going through. He is beside himself with grief over what he has done to us and is determined we will work it out and stay together. I am willing to try, but am having an issue with something. It's very hard to articulate, but it's kind of like there are TWO of him. I have seen more of the man I married in the past two weeks than I have in the past ten years. Our marriage was a mess and just ripe for something like this to happen. I can almost even understand. The problem is that while this was happening I was dealing with cancer. And for me that kind of takes it out of the realm of betrayal and bumps it right into evil. If anything sinks us that will be it. I just can't reconcile this guy who's sitting in front me with someone who could do something like that. He's being loving and supportive and I know he obviously should be right now, but it's real. I can feel it. He's hurting almost as much as me. And I absolutely cannot understand how this person and the one who could do something so awful could be the same.
Thank you again for creating this. I'm sure you've helped sooo many people.

At 10:59 AM , Blogger Author said...

Hey Anonymous. 2 weeks in? You're still bleeding. The wound is still open and the fact that you are hurting, sleepless, no appetite, furious, scared, lonely, distraught, and generally pissed off means you are sane. The fact that somehow, at the same time, you feel like there is no way a person as great as you deserved this, and still feel like there is something incredibly wrong with you, means you are normal. The fact that you are a little timid around him one minute, and the next all over him like the tasmanian devil on PCB, means you are right on schedule.

Welcome to the asylum.

Two things: First, the fact that he is so remorseful is an incredibly positive sign if your goal is reconciliation. It's true that people who have been pulling off a double life can fake almost anything, but there is little gain in faking remorse. That's probably something you can trust. He likely really does feel awful, and reallyd doesn't want to do it again. He may go two-steps-forward and one-step back at times, just like you will. He may hit you with some defensiveness and righteous indignation at some point. That's normal too.

Second, the two-person thing. I remember that, the thought of, "I don't know who you are!" Maybe he was two people in a way, living a double life. But maybe not. I remember one of the scariest things I learned about my wife's affair is that it doesn't matter who you are, and it doesn't matter how much you protest that "I would never do that!" Absolutely anyone is capable of absolutely anything. You, me, everyone. Doesn't make it okay, but the notion I had that she was incapable of cheating was demonstrably false. I dealt with this early on by thinking of her as two different people.

I'm not saying that's why you're thinking that way, and I have no idea if I was right. Just saying that I remember feeling the exact same thing.

Good luck. It gets better, I promise.

At 2:37 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there i found out this week that my wife of just over a year was having an emotional Affair about 3 months ago and when we separated she met this man and slept with him a couple of times. I would have been better off not knowing i think as the Divorce for me was agreed (She asked for one) and i have been getting used to the idea and getting my life back on track. That is until this week where she decided she might want to try again, but first she had to tell me this news. Now if i cant Accept it and Forgive she is not so sure she is willing to try? I'm really all over the place at the moment, I'm torn between Divorcing and Regretting it or Staying and never getting over it?

At 2:07 PM , Blogger Author said...

Hi Anon,

I think a lot of people in your position are torn between leaving or staying. And I don't think anyone else can tell you what you should or should not do. It is up to you. If she wants to try, great, but you still get to decide if YOU want to try.

Could you give it a couple of months to see how things go? If she doesn't live up to her end of the bargain, you can always decide to leave later. But it is entirely your decision.

Good luck.

At 12:11 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your pain. I have felt the unbearable excruciating pain you describe. I too have experienced loosing a parent at 18, and found out my husband of 20 yrs cheating. The pain of betrayal is so hard. My 17 yr old son left home because he could not deal with what his father did. That made it even harder for me. But in a way was better because I could not be there for my son or anyone. I felt almost everything you described. It was November 2012 when my life felt a living torture. We went to counselling & with help of God &friends I survived the most painful experience. It took a year to not feel that soulful pain that took over my heart,body & mind. I thank and give glory to God for giving me peace and strength through a time I couldn't ever imagine I could get through. You can too. It feels like you will always have a pain in your soul but it will change.

At 5:42 PM , Blogger Author said...

Congrats for making it this far! Every day is a victory.

At 11:24 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am 7 years out and still feel absolute hatred towards her at times. Then I feel close to her at times too. But mostly I pay her no mind and concentrate on things I need/want to do for myself and my kids. I feel like less of a man to this day. I know its been a long time but it still really bothers me. I guess I feel like she forever robbed of of the chance to have a normal marriage.
This considering the affair started before we got married and continued for 3 years after in which time she gave birth to my daughter. The guy was at my wedding! My wife had him video tapping it. What kind of sick person does that? I will never love her as much as I did b4 I found out. I guess I decided to work it out because of my kids and I was on such a guilt trip bc of the way I treated her when she was pregnant with my oldest (we were 18 and I was trying to break up with her when before I found out she was pregnant).


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