Wednesday, June 11, 2014

And there are still days ...

... when I want to give up.


At 10:32 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am just over 5 months in. After 2 days of kicking my wife out, she came back and with some time our relationship has been better than ever. But there are days that I ask myself if I should just leave and start over, not because our relationship is bad, but because I have difficulty dealing with it personally. I was very hopefully that my feelings would settle with time and would be less depressed.

At 10:36 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Update, please!

At 11:27 AM , Blogger Author said...

To the guy 5 months in:

I hear you. You want to know when you will stop having days when you feel like giving up? I'm 12 years in. I'll let you know when I stop having days like that.

I don't say that to depress you or to make you want to give up. It is just realistic (at least for me personally).

To this day, things come up that remind me of my wife's affair. Every time I become angry with her (like happens with any couple ever, whether there has been an affair or not), I'm tempted to blame things on the affair.

If you stick with it, and if you are BOTH committed to making things work, those days will become more rare. In my humble opinion, I don't thing those days ever go away completely.

That's why I'm not crazy about the language some people use about becoming "healed" from the affair. I don't think you heal from something like this, in the sense of getting back to the way you were before. It changes you. Some of it is for the better, some isn't.

Imagine that someone negligently causes an accident, and as a result you lose a leg. You can forgive that person, but the leg is still gone. Sometimes you will wish you could run again. You're body will heal, in the sense that the wound closes, but your leg is still gone. You can still have a great life full of promise and achieve many of your dreams, but your leg is still gone.

And it always will be.

So for me -- and everything on this blog is describing my own personal experience, not to tell other people what they should do -- I decided that having days when I felt like giving up wouldn't make me give up. Just because I have days like that does not mean that I made a mistake. And even if I DID make a mistake, it is made. I promised to stick around and do my best to make things work, and that is a promise I am going to keep unless she gives me Biblical grounds for divorce, such as another affair. It is a vow I take as sacred as my original marriage vows.

One day at a time, friend. Your difficulty of dealing with it personally will diminish. Time will tell if you have a partner in recovery or not. If you do -- if you are both determined to save the marriage -- God will give you the strength to do so.

But it won't always be easy, and your leg is still gone.

At 10:01 AM , Anonymous Sadabouttheaffair said...


Thank you for posting this update. I had posted about a while ago. I am the person who was having doubts at the two year mark.

I was wondering how you are doing. I saved your blog in my favorites list.

For me the lack of trust still is a major issue.

I literally have panic attacks when my husband is gone a bit longer than he mentioned he would be, and of course he was meeting his affair partner during lunch.

So, unless I spend big bucks, which I don't have, on a private detective to follow him, I have no way of knowing what he is really doing at lunch.

I was very blindsided because I trusted my husband 100 percent, but now I can't trust him and I miss that.

I hate being suspicious all the time. It makes me feel badly about myself.

I will say though that my wayward is mostly remorseful, although will still argue, and his remorsefullness has helped, but I truly miss our old marriage, the one in which I was able to trust he was always where he said he would be.

I am more sad actually than angry about that at this point.

Also, I am sad about the fact that I can no longer admire my husband for being such an honest person because he lied so much during the affair.

He used to take pride in is honesty and so did it. I no longer can do that.

Have you lost admiration or pride in your spouse on any level? Or is it just me?

It's true no one can predict the future, so I don't know if I would be happier, if I had divorced, as everyone else urged me to do.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent to someone I know truly understands my experience.

And, thank you for posting that you two are still together and that your wife hasn't cheated again.

It helps me to see that because my biggest fear is that my husband will cheat again.

Seeing that your wife has remained faithful helps.


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