Wednesday, March 03, 2010


Wow. It's been almost 3 years since I blogged, 8 years since the affair.

Every once in a while, a link gets passed along, and lots of new folks read the blog. It breaks my heart to think of all the people learning every day that their world has been turned upside down by infidelity.

I'm just checking back in to say, all is well. We have problems, but they are the same problems everyone has. I still have an occasional nightmare, and maybe I will until I die. I still cringe when I see a movie or hear a song that centers around a cheating spouse. I would not say it is over, because I don't think things like this are ever completely over, but now we are only dealing with scar tissue and not open wounds.

Good luck to you all, and God bless.


At 9:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so tired of having songs and movies about cheating partners throw me back into the moments of my own pain. I just want it to stop. It has been a year to the week and I just want to enjoy the everyday good times, but so many things remind me of the pain and disgust. How do I make it stop?

At 1:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

It will probably never stop. I am into my wife's affair twenty three years and four months and there are very few days its not on my mind. The trust issues and what is really going on behind those beautiful dark eyes of hers.

I just want you to know that you re never alone in your pain.

At 10:21 AM , Blogger Author said...

Amen. It can get better, but it's never over.

At 1:33 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

For a long time, after the A my husband had, I couldn't bear to watch intimate scenes between two people (real or movie) or listen to my favorite songs. It would pierce my heart with a rusting knife every time. Since DDay I have come to communicate ALOT better with him on different aspects of our relationship. I felt as though our own intimate moments were ruined at first. Every motion was criticized and it made it way less enjoyable. Something that helped was long road trips out of town together. Believe it or not, we had both come to the realization that we were working it out and it was getting easier. There's hope. I stumble every now and then and seeing the other woman ( unavoidable) sometimes triggers me, and sometimes it doesn't. I like your "pop ups". I am more confident in our relationship now than I have been in a very long time. Sometimes being a lady about the situation helps maintain your dignity and respect. Those were two things that lacked the most in our marriage at the time. I went to her home within 8 hrs after DDay. She wasn't home but her mother was. It was mother's day. I didn't pick a fight. Her mother and I bullshitted for a little, meanwhile he looked pale and nervous. The confession never came as I had expected. Why confess? Good wife at home.. Works, cooks, cleans, and not only my home, but my F-I-L's home too. I rewinded the video I recorded of them from the time I left for work at 10 PM to 8 AM when I got home. I played it as he sat on the edge of the bed looking annoyed that I had traumatized him at her mothers home earlier in the day. As realization hit of WHAT & WHO he was watching, his whole body language changed. His hands started to pour sweat, his voice thick with emotion eeked out a feeble "oh my God. No." I still think back to that day and thank God. I thank him for allowing me to bear witness to what temptation did. I thank him now for replacing my bitter, cold, dark hell with PEACE. This PEACE had to be meditated on EVERYDAY. As a non-practicing Christian I had to renew my FAITH that our wounds would heal. I prayed for my husband to know peace in his own heart, because after DDay, I witnessed a change. His promises held no value anymore to me, but his actions began to follow what his mouth overrunneth with. Trust began to follow shortly after. When he first came to me after DDay and asked if we could talk, I thought this is it. Its over. All the hard work and rebuilding has started now he wants out... But I was blown away when he told me there was a friend of ours that wasn't respecting boundaries. I asked him what he thought appropriate boundaries are for friendships with the opposite sex. He apologized and called her on speaker phone and told her flat out what the deal was. No more late night texts, no calls to chat about her sorryass man, & definitely no pictures. He's grown into a wonderful father, husband, and lover (although the movies still kinda bother me, but nowhere near as much as they did at first). I hope you all find peace in your situation, no matter what the outcome. God Bless!

At 5:11 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say how much I admire you for your honest and open account of what happened in your marriage. I found out a year ago my wife (fiance at the time of cheating) had cheated on me a couple of times with her boss only a few months before we got married. I found this out 18 months into our marriage and 6 months after our daughter was born. I have found it incredibly difficult, partly because I have been with my wife since we were 16 and she is the only person I have ever slept with, it felt like my entire view of the world changed over night. We are dealing with it and have moved on a huge amount, having been to counselling and moved house. I suppose it is a little different for me as she always claimed it was not an affair but a couple of stupid drunken mistakes. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I have been experiencing the same feelings of these incidents rearing their ugly head and they put me in the foulest of moods and I've not yet got to a place where I know completely how to deal with it. My wife finds it very difficult to talk about it and very often will lash out in defense (or despair) if she thinks we are going over it again. I have been advised to talk specifically about feelings rather than specific details of what happened.

I think you are absolutely right when you say that it's a conscious battle of will power in your mind. When I am able to forget about it and not go over the shock of what happened in my head, then I am generally very happy, but it does rear it's head and drag me down from time to time and it feels like a real life battle with the beast in my head.

It's a conscious decision to choose happiness over misery and it is taking massive will power to achieve it, but I seem to be getting there, slowly.

Your blog was an unbelievable help in those early days after D-Day and I have nothing but respect and appreciation for what you have done.

At 3:15 PM , Blogger Author said...

I'm glad the blog has been helpful. Good luck, and hang in there -- you are not alone.


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